Cannabis enhances excuse-making ability

REGULAR cannabis smoking boosts the part of the brain that invents excuses.

The Institute for Studies found that people who smoke skunk daily are 84 per cent more effective at explaining why they had failed to do things.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Stoners’ brains evolve this amazing capacity to make up bullshit excuses which, although unconvincing, are at least creative.

“Long-term cannabis users show extensive growth in the ninth ventricle, the region of the brain that deals with responsibility avoidance.”

Inveterate pothead Roy Hobbs said: “I was supposed to pay the council tax but somehow a wild boar got in the garden and I had to chase it out which took all day. It was all snorting, with tusks and shit.

“Luckily I am ok now and able to sit here watching TV, but I was unable to do any administrative tasks or house cleaning.”

Stoner Mary Fisher was supposed to take her boyfriend’s car to the garage: “I was getting some milk out and the fridge fell over, trapping me under it.

“Firemen came to get me out, they broke down the door and then afterwards replaced it with an identical-looking door.

“I’ll definitely be way more on the case tomorrow.”

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Kids with e-cigarettes getting bullied

SCHOOLCHILDREN smoking vapour-based cigarettes are being mocked by their peers, it has emerged.

As TV advertising raises concerns about children using electronic cigarettes, 12-year-old Stephen Malley described getting a kicking after attempting to smoke one with the popular kids behind his school’s science block.

“Normal fags make me cough until I puke so e-cigarettes seemed the logical way to go in terms of impressing girls with my worldliness.

“But everyone immediately took the piss, calling me a ‘battery sucker’ and ‘prickotine’. The main school bully held the e-cigarette above his head, just out of my reach, before lobbing it into a garden.

“Then I got a moderate kicking in front of a girl I like.

“As I see it the moral of the story is ‘smoke real fags’.”