EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS living at the American military’s secret containment facility must go out and earn their keep, it was announced last night.
Swingeing government cuts mean bosses at the US army’s Area 51 base are no longer prepared to keep the dozen or so bulbous-headed humanoids in the manner to which they have become accustomed since crashing their craft into New Mexico in 1947.
A US army spokesman said: “We advise any members of the public who encounter these extraterrestrials to not be alarmed, and ideally to employ them.
“Having a group of captured aliens living in your hangar sounds wonderful, but the costs soon add, up especially when they refuse to drink cheaper supermarket-brand cola because they claim it will make their nine stomachs explode.
“Likewise the beings complained extensively when we tried to take their air hockey table away, claiming they would die without the extra oxygen it was pumping out.
“On top of all that they had the most expensive Sky package, three proper pinball machines and unlimited kettle chips. All bartered in exchange for technological secrets which have yet to be forthcoming.”
He added: “Personally I think that when you take away the massive eyes and foreheads you’re left with a group of whining midgets.”
Captive alien, Tom Logan, said: “When our craft hit your planet many moons ago, we were travelling at ten trillion times the speed of light.
“That is how I hurt my back. And still to this day is it not right.
“Also I cannot work outside because my pale space skin burns painfully under your sun, and additionally I cannot do factory stuff because my long tapering fingers are too fragile.”