Cash-strapped Area 51 tells captive aliens to get a job

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS living at the American military’s secret containment facility must go out and earn their keep, it was announced last night.

Swingeing government cuts mean bosses at the US army’s Area 51 base are no longer prepared to keep the dozen or so bulbous-headed humanoids in the manner to which they have become accustomed since crashing their craft into New Mexico in 1947.

A US army spokesman said: “We advise any members of the public who encounter these extraterrestrials to not be alarmed, and ideally to employ them.

“Having a group of captured aliens living in your hangar sounds wonderful, but the costs soon add, up especially when they refuse to drink cheaper supermarket-brand cola because they claim it will make their nine stomachs explode.

“Likewise the beings complained extensively when we tried to take their air hockey table away, claiming they would die without the extra oxygen it was pumping out.

“On top of all that they had the most expensive Sky package, three proper pinball machines and unlimited kettle chips. All bartered in exchange for technological secrets which have yet to be forthcoming.”

He added: “Personally I think that when you take away the massive eyes and foreheads you’re left with a group of whining midgets.”

Captive alien, Tom Logan, said: “When our craft hit your planet many moons ago, we were travelling at ten trillion times the speed of light.

“That is how I hurt my back. And still to this day is it not right.

“Also I cannot work outside because my pale space skin burns painfully under your sun, and additionally I cannot do factory stuff because my long tapering fingers are too fragile.”

 

 

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Anger as millions denied chance to look at Bin Laden's brain instead of working

MILLIONS of people across the world have been denied the chance to use
up the best part of their morning staring at the gloopy contents of
Osama Bin Laden’s ruptured head.

The White House has blocked the release of graphic photos of the Al Qaeda leader’s dead body, forcing office workers to scour YouTube for a video of a horribly fat child singing badly.

Helen Archer, from Darlington, said: “I had set aside an hour and a half between half hour coffee breaks to be both horrified and mesmerised by it.

“Obama’s refusal to allow me to be diverted temporarily by this gory freak show makes me think he was probably born in Kenya.”

She added: “Look at fatty singing like a moron.”

Stephen Malley, from Hatfield, said: “The photograph is a vitally important historical document that I could email to all my friends with the subject line ‘fucking mental!’.”

And Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: “Unless I see the inside of someone’s skull I refuse to believe they are dead.

“I have been arrested in over two dozen cemeteries.”

Meanwhile online experts attacked the president’s decision to withhold fake photos of a Bin Laden impersonator made-up to look like he has had the top of his head blown off.

Roy Hobbs, who thinks you are so naive, said: “How can you kill someone who never existed?

“The Bin Laden you ‘think’ you ‘know’ is actually a part-time actor called Trevor Armstrong. He was in a Vodafone advert last year. Vodafone was rather too quick to deny it.”

He added: “Carlyle Group, Bildergburgers, Haliburton, Protocols of the Elders of Zebulon obviously.

“I would say the loneliness reaches a peak around mid-July.”