Cat’s psychic abilities overrated

A CAT’S ability to ‘sense’ complex emotions has been hugely overrated, it has emerged.

Five-year-old ginger tom George is believed by his owner to have psychic abilities allowing him to understand her without language.

Mary Fisher said: “When I got the phone call saying I had lost my job, George knew instinctively what was wrong.

“He looked at me in this deep way that said ‘Mother I understand your pain, but another job will be along soon, do not cry’, then he got on the sofa beside me, because he was trying to protect me.

“A similar thing happened when I found out my husband was having an affair, and when my nan died. He just knows.”

However Fisher’s son Richard said: “George just does normal cat things, which my mum thinks are profound and somehow paranormal because she is mental.

“When he looks deep into your eyes, it’s because he wants some food. When he gets on a chair next to you, it’s because the chair is comfortable and he wants to sleep on it.

“George is basically a machine programmed to get protein and keep warm. He’s no more psychic than Derek Acorah.”

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Internet daters to get basic normality guidelines

ONLINE dating services are to issue guidelines on how to behave vaguely normally when meeting a potential partner.

Companies like Tinder are responding to dating app users behaving like rude, dysfunctional freaks despite apparently wanting to meet someone for a normal human relationship.

A spokesman said: “We’re trying to explain you shouldn’t do things like meeting someone and then just walking off while they’re at the bar if you don’t fancy them.

“If a date isn’t working out we’d encourage people to say something like ‘I think we’re too different’. That’s normal, unlike, ‘I expected someone more attractive. Fuck off.’

“People should also avoid starting a relationship then suddenly ignoring all contact from the other party without explanation, because that’s not dating, it’s being a sociopath.

“We don’t know why our users are such arseholes. They may think it’s a game and they’re basically collecting Pokemon they can shag.”

Dating app user Martin Bishop said: “I thought it was fine to start texting other potential partners at the dinner table after three minutes if the woman isn’t hot and gagging for sex.

“Also asking if they have any less minging friends I could go out with helps to get the conversation rolling.”