Co-worker with cold strangely confident it is no longer contagious

A 29-YEAR-OLD woman with a severe cold has reassured colleagues that it is definitely not contagious.

Sales executive Nikki Hollis arrived at work coughing uncontrollably and with mucus streaming down her face, but immediately told everyone that she was over the ‘infectious stage’.

Her colleague Stephen Malley said: “I had no idea Nikki was some kind of microbiologist who can perfectly judge the gestation phases of the common cold virus.

“She looks pretty fucking contagious to me. Clearly she is secretly determined to pass it on, like some voodoo curse.

“I believe the most infectious stage of a cold is when some ill bastard tells you cannot catch it.”

Hollis said: “Why are you all being such a bunch of pussies? Everyone knows that by the time you start coughing the cold is no longer alive in your ‘body system’.

“That’s why I don’t bother covering my mouth or nose, because it would be pointless. If you’ve got a problem, open a window.

“Tonight I am going to the cinema via a busy train, basically just maintaining as much close human contact as possible. It helps with recovery, apparently.”

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Kettering confirmed as most adequate place to live

KETTERING is the UK’s most acceptable if unexciting place to live, it has been confirmed.

Researchers discovered that nothing particularly bad or good happens in the Northamptonshire town, which is best-known as the home of Weetabix’s head office.

Kettering resident Eleanor Shaw said: “I feel like my dreams haven’t exactly come true, but I haven’t failed either.

“I am living in the absolute middle of everything and it feels okay.”

Kettering councillor Martin Bishop said: “There was a bit of excitement a few years ago when Gazza managed Kettering Town FC for about a fortnight.

“Not a great deal has happened since then. Everything has just ticked along”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Kettering is beautifully average. If it had a penis it would be exactly 5.1 inches long.”