Comet landing already a disaster, say parking bores

MEN who claim to know about parking have been strongly critical of the techniques being used to place the Philae lander on a comet.

36-year-old Stephen Malley, who is following events online, said: “No, no, no, no. They are using way too much thruster.

“Foot off the thruster! Jesus christ, it’s worse than watching my wife reverse into a space at Morrison’s, which she absolutely cannot do without me having to take over and humiliate her.”

Self-styled parking expert Roy Hobbs said: “Whoever’s steering that lander wants to get their left hand down.

“They need the lander steering on full lock otherwise…no I can’t watch. This is terrible.

“I could land any lander on any comet, it’s just common sense really.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Phone shop workers not really gurus or geniuses

SPOTTY 19-year-olds who know a bit about smartphones should have more appropriate job titles, it has been claimed.

Consumer affairs campaigner Tom Booker said: “My phone has been playing up so I took it back to the shop to see if they could have a look.

“The girl didn’t know what was wrong with it so she recommended that I go and see one of their gurus.

“I was kind of imagining a Maharishi type with flowing robes and visible magenta aura but then this spotty teenager with those massive hole things in his ears came out and I just thought, ‘Fuck off’.’

“In any other job he’d be the tea boy.”