Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ll spend most of Monday trying to remember the first name of Poirot. It’s a Herculean task. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You hate it when your pee smells like asparagus but it is your own fault for peeing on asparagus.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
An average man’s cumberbatch is about a teaspoon’s worth.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Despite claiming to have an exhaustive selection of products, don’t appear to have a ‘Make another one of those twatting adverts and I’ll hunt you down like a war criminal’ card.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you find yourself claiming “I’m just saying what we’re all thinking” a lot, there’s a strong possibility we’re all thinking you’re an arsehole.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
On Sunday, why not have a lie in? After all, the shop whose doorway you sleep in is closed.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Despite your assertion that everyone in work thinks you’re a diva, they actually just think you’re a div.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On rough Autumn nights like this there’s nothing nicer than curling up on the sofa with a cat on your lap, an old movie on the TV and a nice warm bowl of crack on the go.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
They say you can tell how a man has sex by the way he dances and that’s true for you because the last time you danced, it was eight years ago, you were drunk and it was on your wedding night.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You insist on wearing a proper chef’s hat to work, not because you are a chef but because you have mental health issues.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You are surprised to hear the ceramic poppies at the Tower Of London, marking the soldiers of World War 1, haven’t got a job or anywhere to stay once they’ve served their purpose. But on reflection it seems strangely appropriate.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This is the week when every gamble will pay off. Actually, no, that was last week.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Urban explorer fascinated by quite boring places

AN urban explorer has admitted being strangely fascinated by dull places such as store rooms, telephone exchanges and water pumping stations.

Imagine when it looked quite similar

The 33-year-old graphic designer Tom Logan spends most of his spare time being unaccountably thrilled by locations he would not consider visiting if they were in use.

Logan said: “Last night I sneaked into a disused toilet warehouse. It’s completely empty now, but the thought of all those toilets just sitting there waiting to be put in lorries gave me an incredible rush.

“A week ago I explored a tube station that’s been closed since 1951. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen, except the functioning tube station I go to every day to get to work.

“You could almost feel the ghosts of people walking past you, wondering if they were going to be late for work or wishing they’d been to the toilet before they left the house.”

Logan said his most memorable urban expedition had involved breaking into a World War 2 bunker after three weeks of careful planning, although he later discovered it was free to visit during the day.

He said: “During the war it would have been full of telephone operators transferring calls and gossiping about each other. It’s almost impossible to imagine that sort of thing nowadays.”

However Logan admitted urban exploration had its risks, such as the time he broke both his legs and spent 19 weeks in a coma after falling through the floor of a derelict mop factory.