Cornwall no wiser as to what space is

FOLLOWING the failed launch of a satellite mission from Cornwall, the people of the county are still oblivious as to what space is.

Outer space remains a mystery to the Cornish after American Virgin Orbit’s rocket failed to successfully launch from the duchy’s spaceport in Newquay yesterday evening.

Pilchard fisherman Tom Logan said: “So not only is the earth flat, but there’s a roof on it? I always suspected.

“They did it at night so as not to hit the sun going past, I know that, but if this doesn’t prove there’s nothing above the cloud but God’s firmanent I don’t know what does.”

Cafe owner Mary Fisher said: ““My hunch is that space is like the sea: dark, dangerous, and populated with strange leviathans and merpeople who lure unsuspecting astronauts to their death.

“They say rockets have already put satellites up there, but not round here they haven’t. Yes GPS works, but that’s operated by piskies to lure tourists to their deaths or my tea-room.”

Carolyn Ryan of Devon said: “Hardly surprising those benighted shitwits couldn’t launch a rocket. We’d get one up there from Plymouth no problem.”

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'I am the creative school mum for this class, and you are f**king well not'

YOU’RE creative, I hear? Think you’ll be delighting teachers and parents with your marvellous crafting skills? Back the f**k off, bitch. 

There is only room for one mum as creative superstar for class 5JB, and it’s not you. I rule the crafting roost around here. You’d best accept it.

Ask around. Ask about the handmade cards every teacher gets at the end of the year. Oh, you can sign it – and please note the adhesive label advertising my Etsy shop – but you won’t be f**king making it.

Ask about the craft stall at the summer fayre. Relentlessly dominated by my handiwork for the last four years and, thanks to my weaponising of politeness, solidly profitable.

The other 29 hapless mums don’t have a chance. Sure, Nikki has a successful ceramics business and Martha has a Masters in fine art. But I don’t work.

I’m there every morning and night. I volunteer to come in afternoons. I help Miss Baker put the displays up. She knows full well that any dalliance with your shitty homemade paper flowers is an act of war.

Sure, I’ve used one tiny outlet in my empty life to shape my entire identity. Yes, everything I do is straight off YouTube. And have I alienated my husband by demanding craft supplies from the household budget to the point he sleeps in the spare room? Damn right.

Here. These are detailed instructions for making painted rocks for the class play. Follow them exactly and some of your rocks may be used. Fail to comply? I will kick off like a f**king five year-old.