If you dare strike you're all fired, say genius Tories

ANY workers withdrawing labour when it is irreplaceable and urgently needed will be fired en masse, the great thinkers in government have decided. 

Anti-strike legislation being introduced to parliament today means that key workers who risk serious harm to the public by not working will find themselves not working permanently, to protect the public.

Business secretary Grant Shapps said: “If your radiology department refuses to work? Bang. Now there’s no radiology department. Because we’re putting service users first.

“You’ll have no right to sue for unfair dismissal and you’re barred from working in the public sector ever again. Sorting out all these complaints about ‘understaffing’ putting ‘patients at risk’ in one stroke.

“We’ve made a little list: transport, NHS, education, fire and rescue, border security and nuclear decommissioning. If I have to fire every worker in every one of those professions to make Britain safer, I will.

“This will bring the strikers to their knees. They reckoned without solid Tory logic.”

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Why Eurovision is punk as f**k, by John Lydon

I DEFINED punk, and decades later I’m keeping that f**k you spirit alive by competing to be Ireland’s Eurovision entry. Because that is f**king punk, and here’s why: 

The music’s reviled

The establishment hated punk, and it hates Eurovision. When critics say ‘Ah bollocks, not more shitty Euro pop with a bloody hurdy-gurdy’ it means Eurovision is punk. And I’m not just saying that to salvage my credibility after a rough couple of decades.

The fashion shocks and appalls

In silver lederhosen, no shirt and a spaceman’s helmet, you’ll piss off more knobheads than we did in swastikas and bondage gear. When Bucks Fizz ripped the girls’ skirts off in 1981 it was a big ‘f**k you’ to society’s fascist long skirt/short skirt conventions.

The great merchandising swindle

I’m working class, not an art school wanker, so when financial offers come in I take the money. Walking off I’m A Celebrity was as punk as f**king over A&M with the Pistols only more so. I’ll probably be the face of Herta hot dogs or Leerdammer after this. That’s not selling out, it’s subverting the system to buy a loft conversion.

It scares pensioners

When Conchita Wurst – the guy who looks like Kim Kardashian with a drawn-on beard – won, Britain’s pensioners thought civilisation had come to an end, just like they did with punk. And like punk, most people barely remember it now. Exactly the same.

It’s a drug riot

Must be. How else do you get through a Croatian novelty hip-hop duo playing a balaclava in frog suits?

Eurovision isn’t fake rebellion

Marilyn Manson pretended to be alternative, but he’s just another music industry bumboy selling fake rebellion for dumb teenagers. Eurovision says: ‘Watch this bullshit for the masses then go back to your futile lives, scum.’ Kurt Cobain would have shat himself at anything that radical.