Dad clearly enjoying online safety threats

A MIDDLE-AGED father of two is obviously enjoying becoming an ‘expert’ on internet dangers.

Tom Logan’s fascination with a new government website for parents about online predators is making his family suspect it may be the one thing adding excitement to his dreary life.

Daughter Sam said: “Dad’s learned all this internet jargon like ‘ASL’ and ‘zerging’ which he thinks makes him sound dynamic, but actually just makes him sound like Theresa May.

“He thinks he’s equipping himself with the knowledge to battle dark forces on the web, so I haven’t got the heart to tell him it’s mostly just teenage boys hoping daft girls will show them their tits.”

Wife Emma said: “I think Tom has strangely empowering fantasies about being some sort of cyber-vigilante. He keeps watching Death Wish and The Lawnmower Man and our sex life has ‘improved’.”

Logan said: “The internet never sleeps, so you have to be vigilant 24/7. Or I suppose I could just unplug the router and give the kids some shitty old Nokias.”

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Woman hopes to meet right man then reject him because of tiny superficial detail

A 29-YEAR-OLD woman is desperate to meet a suitable man then dump him because of a small detail in his looks or mannerisms.

Nikki Hollis is trawling dating sites for a nice man who shares her sense of humour but whose boyfriend status is ultimately doomed by her absurd levels of perfectionism.

She said: “I’m not getting any younger, and I’m looking for a soulmate who I can turn down because he has slightly narrow nostrils, hairy fingers or one ear a bit smaller than the other.

“Like my last boyfriend, he will be pretty much ideal in all other respects, but just have that one little thing which for some reason I absolutely cannot live with, like ‘stumpy teeth’.

“Then I will meet with my friends in a wine bar and we will all laugh uproariously about it and make up a name for him like ‘Mr Stumpy Teeth’.

“They will all share similar stories, and we will get drunk while enjoying how witty, glamorous and capricious we are, like characters in a glossy US telly drama called something like ‘Lady Lawyers’, except we work for a printer cartridge company.

“Then I will go home to a flat that is empty except for a cat, some furniture and a big print of Audrey Hepburn.”