Dad loves pressure washer more than children

A FAMILY suspect their dad loves his new pressure washer more than his children.

The recent arrival of Martin Bishop’s high-performance machine caused an intense emotional reaction that has taken loved ones by surprise.

Son Tom said: “I’d always just thought he was emotionally stunted. I’d made my peace with it over the years.

“Like when I completed my PhD and he just sort of nodded, or when he said ‘well done’ when my son was born.”

However the 1400W pressure washer has awoken a previously unseen passion in Bishop, who cannot stop talking lovingly about it.

Wife Margaret said: “I swear there were tears in his eyes the other day when he was telling John from next door what a difference it had made to the drive.

“He says he’s now considering a 6-in-1 steam cleaner to sort out the carpets. I’m considering a divorce.”

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Couple fondly remembers when they used to have sex because there was nothing on telly

A MIDDLE AGED couple have wistfully remembered the times when they used to be able to have sex because there was nothing to watch on telly. 

Steve and Susan Malley believe their love life has deteriorated as a direct result of the rise so-called ‘Golden Age’ of television.

Steve said: “It used to be you’d look at the schedules on a Saturday night, it’d be Casualty on one side and The Royal Variety Performance on the other, some history thing on BBC2 and nowt on Channel 4, and I’d turn to the wife and say, ‘How about it?’

“But nowadays there’s always something on Netflix or Amazon Prime or iPlayer that everyone’s saying is a must-see. Even bingeing you never get through it all.

“How is my cock expected to compete against a $56 million Emmy-nominated drama? It can’t. Bring back Sunday afternoon repeats of the On The Buses movie.”

Susan Malley agreed: “I miss when it was Fame Academy on a Friday night. Now that was proper shagging telly.”