How to weed out your crap friends

NOBODY has more than six friends, and if you do most of them are filler. Here’s how to sift the worthwhile friends from the dregs dragging you down.

Ask for a favour

Good friends will rush to your aid, crap friends will make up some half-baked excuse or have priorities that don’t involve you. Either way, remove them from your life immediately. Also try not to constantly ask people to help you move flat or borrow £200, or you may be the crap friend.

Do they get rounds in?

The litmus test of any good friend is their round etiquette. If they’re one of those people who dash off before their turn and promise to get the next one in, don’t hesitate to block their number and besmirch their name with slanderous gossip. They had it coming.

Create a spreadsheet

Use it to compile a list of pros and cons of your remaining friends. Categories to keep in mind include shared interests, quality of haircut, and whether or not they say shit like ‘bantz’. Make sure they never see this or you might be removed from their spreadsheet.

Conduct a gift audit

Whittle down your final candidates by looking back over the birthday and Christmas presents they bought you over the years. Anyone who got you a ‘joke’ gift can be struck off without a second thought. Wallace and Gromit socks aren’t funny. Nor are wooden ties.

Organise a fight to the death

It’s 2020 so you’re going to need strong allies to help you survive the years ahead. Hosting a Battle Royale-style deathmatch in an Aldi car park will not only reveal who’s a committed friend, but also who’s handy with an axe if society goes tits-up. They’re the real keepers.


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Frodo abandons quest to reach Covid testing centre

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.

After a wild party with housemate Sam Gamgee and a number of inebriated dwarves, Baggins developed a persistent cough and decided to get himself tested.

He said: “I logged onto the Middle Earth government website – not easy because Hobbiton is still on dial-up internet – and saw my nearest testing centre was 400 miles away.

“I’ve travelled through the dangerous land of Mordor, killed countless orcs and cast the One Ring into Mount Doom. But three trains and a rail replacement bus? I don’t think so. Where even is ‘Inverness’? Sounds made up to me.

“I courageously set off on my big hairy feet, but then I realised the testing centre would probably be shut and I wouldn’t ever get the results anyway. So I just went home.

“It’s not even me I’m worried about, it’s my older mates like Gandalf. Yeah, he acts young with all that weed he smokes, but let’s face it, he’s got a long, grey beard and a stick.”

Baggins has now decided to self isolate in his hobbit hole for two weeks, leaving The Shire in mortal danger from the dark forces of Sauron.