Dad only capable of expressing emotion when cars involved

A FAMILY has realised that their patriarch is only truly able to display his feelings in situations that involve cars.

Martin Bishop, 49, believes that crying at sad films or laughing with joy are activities for women and children, and is only capable of expressing emotion when confronted with flat tyres and snapped timing belts.

Daughter Lucy said: “Dad would never shed a tear over a nostalgic song or the death of a beloved family pet. That’s the sort of thing he calls ‘touchy-feely bollocks’.

“However, when my brother scratched the Honda coming out of Tesco the other week, he let out an anguished wail and kept muttering ‘Poor baby, she’ll never be the same again.’

“Mum says he didn’t cry on their wedding day, and when I was born he was more moved by the impressive size of the hospital car park spaces. Even when his own dad died he just seemed sort of mildly irritated by all the hassle.

“It’s probably a good thing that he’s able to let it all out by weeping on the hard shoulder of the M1 when the car breaks down, but, I’m not going to lie, it makes things a bit awkward with the AA man.”

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Russia won Eurovision, Putin told

PUTIN’S advisers have informed him that Russia swept to victory at last night’s Eurovision Song Contest despite being excluded from the competition.

The Russian president is said to be delighted that the Motherland was awarded douze points by every country and blew away the panel of jurors with its winning entry ‘Well-Hung Leader (Death To The West)’.

A Kremlin spokesperson said: “People who give Putin bad news tend to fall out of hospital windows or hang themselves, so his inner circle thought it wise to bend the truth a little.

“As far as he’s concerned, Russia easily crushed the combined efforts of the continent on the battlefield of Eurovision. Even Ukraine was no match for our barrage of funky beats and legion of conscripted, not-camp-in-the-slightest backing dancers.

“Plans are already being made to host next year’s competition in Saint Basil’s Cathedral, and Putin wants to invite China and North Korea to take part. He says, ‘If Australia is allowed, why not them?’ Which is a fair point, actually.

“As for the voting, people will only be able to award points to Russia, which will happen in special booths manned by armed guards. It’s not ideal, but it’s slightly less corrupt than the current system of neighbouring countries patting each other on the back.”