Dad replies to text message from 2016

A DAD has finally responded to a message sent several years ago, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford was surprised to see the text alert as her family have a WhatsApp group, which her father Alan only engages with to confirm a local traffic disruption.

Bradford said: “We haven’t used standard messaging for years, and dad barely communicates anyway, so my immediate thought was that their house had burnt down.

“The very fact that he’d picked it up and used it set alarm bells ringing, as his phone is usually in a coat which is buried under several other coats in the hall cupboard, or behind an old bucket in the shed.

“When I opened it, it said ‘cat litter please’. I delete all my old texts every six months and have had three new phones in the meantime, so the text I’d sent him didn’t show. However, my powers of deduction suggest I’d asked him if he wanted anything from the supermarket.

“He never replies, so I will have got him what I always get: two scotch eggs and a litre of screen wash.”

Alan Bradford said: “I’d better ring Emma on the landline to let her know we need some butter too.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We're naturally promiscuous, and other 'scientific' excuses for men’s behaviour

WANT to cheat on your partner but don’t like getting grief for it? Science is your friend. Here are some great pseudo-scientific excuses for shitty male behaviour.

Men aren’t naturally monogamous

Men are meant to shag as many females as possible, resulting in lots of babies even if a few get eaten by wolves along the way, with the ultimate, noble goal of stopping the human race dying out. The only problem is that vast numbers of men aren’t untrustworthy, skirt-chasing sleazeballs. Maybe they’re a different species?

Men have more testosterone

Used to justify aggressive behaviour. But unless you’re taking mental amounts of steroids, humans have a thing known as ‘self-control’. Aggression doesn’t really stand up as an evolutionary trait either, since cavemen didn’t have Ford Transits to cut up other drivers and shout abuse from.

Men’s brains are more logical

Men methodically work through problems, and thus make good scientists and engineers, while women are nurturing and prefer babies, nursing ill people and fluffy kittens. However totally disbarring women from jobs like scientist may have affected their numbers. Just a wild theory.

Men needed to be violent in the past

History was brutal, and our ancestors had to protect themselves first from sabre-toothed tigers then other humans who discovered that swords were handy for helping yourself to cattle, crops, gold, slaves and women. However the average thug in a kebab shop isn’t protecting Carthage, he’s kicking someone’s head in because he’s shitfaced and f**king hates students.

Men have a natural urge to catalogue things

More oh-so-reliable pop neuroscience. Dreary hobbies like trainspotting are apparently the result of men’s love of lists and completeness. Hmm. Lots of women collect porcelain frogs, and we don’t say, ‘Your brain is hardwired to collect porcelain frogs. And those bloody hideous weeping Pierrot figurines.’

Men don’t have women’s maternal instincts

Recent studies suggest the ‘maternal instinct’ is not unique to women. Which is bad news for lazy men. Since you’re basically a big hairy mum there’s no excuse for not changing nappies and enthusiastically transporting your kiddywink in a naff Guardian-reader papoose. You should even think about doing a few household chores and putting the toilet seat down, now that you’re a woman.