Dogs evolving into mogwai

DOGS will soon be indistinguishable from Gizmo in Gremlins, it has emerged.

Animal experts highlighted French bulldogs as evidence that the formerly wolf-life species was becoming weird little bat-eared things that resemble animatronic puppets.

Evolutionary biologist Tom Logan said: “Dog breeders are responding to demand from people who loved the film Gremlins as kids and are now old enough to spend three grand on a tiny extraterrestrial-looking mammal.

“Like mogwai, you don’t feed Frenchies after midnight. Not because weird slimy eggs burst out of their backs, but because their arses are volcanic.”

French bulldog owner Emma Bradford said: “I just remember the magical moment Billy Peltzer went into the old Chinese man’s shop and heard the mogwai humming an unearthly song. It was so cool and mystical.

“I had hoped buying our French bulldog would be like that. But the breeder was a stern woman in jogging bottoms who lived in a semi that smelled of dog piss and dog shit.”

Tom Logan added: “Don’t buy a French bulldog expecting it to be able to drive toy cars or make a bow and arrow. They aren’t even very good at breathing.”

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World's best restaurants full of world's worst people

THE world’s most esteemed eating places are almost entirely populated by dicks.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that in the world’s top 50 restaurants over 85 per cent of the clientele were overconfident, inexplicably wealthy red men wearing open-necked shirts tucked into stone washed jeans.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Mostly they are company directors with Timberland deck shoes, loud pompous laughs and an unhealthy interest in what the waitress does at weekends.

“They tend to have gouty complexions and uncannily thick hair like a slicked-back animal pelt.”

Self-styled gourmet Martin Bishop said: “I like yachts, drive one of those Porsche jeep things and refer to women as ‘crumpet’.

“I eat exclusively in Michelin starred restaurants purely because they are expensive, although for me it’s more about getting into an alcoholic stupor than the food. I’d just as soon have a load of chips.

“Once they brought out a little thing that looked like a bonsai tree decorated with delicate sushi and a scented foam that evoked memories of the sea. I smashed it with my big red fist, then demanded seconds.”