Small vegetables must be exterminated, says giant vegetable grower

AN elderly grower of prize-winning giant vegetables has admitted wanting to see smaller vegetables destroyed.

78-year-old former engineer Roy Hobbs believes vegetables are locked in a struggle for survival in which only the largest are destined to survive.

Hobbs said: “My onions are so big now it’s almost like they’re a separate race from normal onions.

“I give them plenty of sunlight, nutrients and inspiring speeches about how they are genetically predisposed to victory.

“Last week I entered the vegetable-growing competition at the local fete and my leeks dwarfed the smaller entries, or as I call them unterveg.”

Hobbs was later ejected from the fete after attacking a radish, a marrow and a number of courgettes for somehow plotting against his vegetables.

Hobbs’ wife Mary said: “Roy’s terribly proud of his vegetables, but I felt it was a bit odd when he asked me to make uniforms for them.

“Also the garden shed is full of maps of next door’s garden and he’s strapped an air rifle to the lawnmower, turning it into a makeshift tank.”

Hobbs said he fully expected his giant vegetables to win the National Vegetable Society’s annual competition, but that if they failed they would be turned into soup.

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Good Morning Britain strongly pro-Russian

ITV’S NEW breakfast show has been criticised for its uninspiring set, lacklustre interviews and pro-Russian bias.

70 per cent of news stories on the show, presented by Susannah Reid in a fur hat with a single red star on it, praised President Putin’s foreign policy, economic plans or all-around manliness.

An ITV spokesman said: “Good Morning Britain, which is simultaneously broadcast in the Ukraine under a slightly different title, had to get its financing from somewhere.

“The £6m demanded by Susannah Reid for her incomparable ability to talk was put up by a Moscow-based consortium which also had helpful suggestions on our editorial direction.”

The show’s first guests, captured Ukrainian nationalists who Ben Shephard questioned aggressively about their links to the CIA, were followed by a lifestyle item about how many vodkas is too many on the school run.

Viewer Tom Logan said: “The Cyrillic script scrolling across the screen can be distracting but there’s clearly some editorial independence or Susannah wouldn’t keep going on those unscripted rants about what a shithole Salford is.

“Laura Tobin’s weather usually has fewer drifting toxic contamination clouds, though it’s nice to feel superior to the poor bastards in the Sverdlovsk Oblast for a change, rather than just Scotland.

“And though Kate Garraway did say any Ukrainians supporting the Kiev regime are fascist agitators who should be shot, it wasn’t as openly biased as BBC Breakfast