Drugs on our side in new drugs war

ANTIBIOTIC-RESISTANT bacteria have sparked a new drugs war in which drugs are our allies.

As scientists warn against the perils of infection, the general public has been left confused whether the country is fighting a war on drugs or a war for drugs.

A government spokesman said: “To be absolutely clear, there are now two drugs wars happening simultaneously, with drugs on different sides.

“Another way to think of it is that drugs are like Godzilla – at first he was destroying our cities, then when Mothra turned up he came to the rescue.”

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Kate Middleton targeted by evil clown from It

KATE Middleton is being harassed by Pennywise the clown, it has emerged.

The evil clown-shaped entity, which lives in drains, grabbed the duchess’s shoe at a recent engagement.

An onlooker said: “It looked like she just had her heel caught in a grate, but actually there was this horrible clown gripping it with its filth-encrusted talons.

“It had a phlegmy, hissy voice and said ‘We all float down here, Katie, in the darkness.’

“Most people would have been freaked out, but Kate laughed it off in a typically easygoing way.”