Everywhere in Britain is Dudley, says Apple

ALL towns in Britain are called Dudley, Apple has confirmed.

Welcome to everywhere

The company dismissed claims there were glitches in its new map application and stressed that anyone who claimed towns such as Stevenage, Peterborough and Doncaster were not called Dudley was a filthy liar.

A spokesman said: “You may think you live in Guildford or Carlisle but you do not, you live in Dudley.

“If you do not think you live in Dudley then we would like to introduce you to our lawyer, Mr Dudley.”

The company has now ordered everyone in Britain to talk with a Dudley accent and has removed £8.99 from all bank accounts in exchange for the ‘Talk Like You’re From Dudley’ app.

The spokesman added: “You have one week. At that point anyone who is not talking with a Dudley accent will have their face stapled shut.

“Do not be afraid. A brighter tomorrow awaits. A tomorrow in which everyone sounds the same and travelling from Dudley to Dudley will be easier than ever.

“That is our solemn pledge to all the people in all the Dudleys the length and breadth of Dudley.

“From Dudley’s End to Dudley o’ Dudley.”

A spokesman for the Ordnance Survey said: “Everywhere in Britain is Dudley.”