Experts warn that e-cigarettes are not cool

SMOKING electronic cigarettes may harm your image, according to experts.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies criticised the e-cigarette industry for promoting fags with batteries as being cool.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We studied one of those things, it’s got a blue light on the tip that comes on when you inhale, for Christ’s sake.

“The product itself is like a tiny version of a nightclub smoke machine, emitting a sort of scented fog.

“Also it comes in a silly little box that looks like something a small boy might carry beetles around in. And you have to screw the bits together like a rubbish version of the hitman in Day of the Jackal.”

Professor Brubaker warned that the long-term effects of e-cigarettes smoking could include being shunned by smokers and non-smokers alike.

He said: “They could make you too smelly for non-smokers, while also being too uptight for the cancer-indifferent traditional faggers.”

However e-cigarette smoker Julian Cook said: “I suppose not caring about whether you die prematurely is cool is it?”

“Oh…actually it is. Bugger.”



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Queen 'can veto Prime Ministerial urination'

THE Queen’s powers include the right to veto the prime minister’s toilet habits, it has emerged.

Declassified papers have revealed the surprising extent of the monarch’s powers which include total control over David Cameron’s bladder.

In accordance with a piece of legislation first drafted in 1593, should the Prime Minister wish to urinate, he must first report to Buckingham Palace to obtain written permission, by Royal Seal, from Her Majesty.

If The Queen is busy at her bureau or receiving foreign dignitaries, the prime minister will have to wait outside.

When eventually he receives permission, he must urinate, or if he so requires, defecate into a special urn outside the Queen’s chambers, under the supervision of an equerry.

Royal biographer Roy Hobbs said: “As she ages and becomes more crotchety, there is increased evidence of the Queen exercising ancient powers against things that antagonise her.

“Using laws introduced during the rule of Henry II, she has banned visitors to royal parks from wearing t-shirts over long-sleeved shirts. Those contravening the rule face two hours in specially erected stocks.

“Over the coming year we can expect to see bans on suit jacket and jeans combinations, inspirational Facebook memes, adults watching Dr Who, and Prince Charles.

“Also, in keeping with an edict inscribed by Edward The Confessor himself, ‘sundry twattes of all measure’.”