Facebook To Stop You Hurling Violent, Unhinged Abuse At Strangers You Disagree With About Films

FACEBOOK was last night accused of attacking freedom of speech after it pledged to stop you calling someone a ‘Nazi fucking cocksucker’ because they don’t like Christian Bale as Batman.

The social network is developing new security measures after a series of abuse cases, including a 22 year-old trainee nurse who was branded a ‘blistered crack-whore smeared in rancid monkey spunk’ because she admitted she was slightly disappointed by the BBC’s new Sherlock Holmes adaptation.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “On the whole I thought it was quite good and I’m a big fan of Martin Freeman. I just felt there were a couple of scenes where the dramatic tension was slightly lacking.”

But Stephen Malley, from Finsbury Park, disagreed, insisting: “Shut your cocking face you fucking piece-of-shit, spastic bitch-sucker.”

And Helen Archer, a Benedict Cumberbatch fan from Grantham, added, ‘fuck you, you shit-eating minge-faced arse-felcher’, before urging Hollis to drink her own urine and then kill herself with a train.

A Facebook spokesman said: “It often starts with a relatively intelligent exchange, perhaps about religion or politics. Someone will say something like ‘an unfettered free market is as inhumane as rigid central planning’ but then – for absolutely no reason whatsoever – they will add the word ‘twat’.

“They get a huge rush from insulting a stranger knowing that they can never be held accountable in any way for this unremittingly pathetic act of cowardice.

“From that point it is only a matter of days before they’re hovering over a Dr Who fan page looking for Christopher Eccleston detractors, inventing a false name and threatening to massacre their families with a machete.

“So anyway, eventually we realised that wasn’t terribly nice and we should probably put a stop to it.”

But internet freedom campaigner Julian Cook said: “Fuck you, Hitler. I should be able to say whatever I fucking want on Facebook, which by the way is a load of shit compared to Twitter and run by a gang of bestial-necrophiliacs who eat each other’s puke.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My husband is obsessed with all things related to cars, and he spends all of his free time under the bonnet of some old jalopy, covered in grease and muttering about pistons and crankshafts. He never takes me to dinner or cuddles up to me on the sofa to watch America’s Next Top Model, and any form of rutting is completely off the cards. How can I tempt him away from this pointless hobby and convince him to start fiddling with my undercarriage instead?

Dear Louise,
From my experience, all boys like to waste their time doing pointless things, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Little girls spend valuable time rehearsing for their future lives as wives and mothers, playing with tea sets, brushing their dollies’ hair, and punishing naughty teddy bears. On the other hand,  boys are generally to be found frittering away their youth rolling marbles about the ground, collecting useless rubbish like stamps and conkers, and, worst of all, fighting each other with a vast range of invisible weaponry. What you have to realise is that you’ll never get a boy to join you in a tea party, and if you do then he’s probably planning to smash your teapot and take your Barbie hostage.
Hope that helps!