Friday, 14th May 2021

Five loud phone conversations twats are always having

OVERHEARD a knobhead having an obnoxious phone conversation? Here’s what the predictable dick was probably on about: 

Shouting at a colleague

If a condescending shit is berating someone about an Excel spreadsheet, it’s a beleaguered colleague who has no idea what they did to deserve their scorn and probably didn’t do anything wrong at all. Watch out for phrases like ‘deliverables’, ‘quick wins’ and ‘touching base with the client before it all goes tits up’.

Being rude to their mum

True twats love to direct their anger towards the only person who could ever love them. Young twats might call them by their Christian name, but they’re definitely talking to a parent they’re still living with who just wants them to get a job and stop leaving the toilet seat up.

Booking an appointment

If they’re booking a dentist appointment on public transport rather than in the safety of their own home, they are an arrogant arsehole who isn’t the slightest bit embarrassed about saying ‘Pardon? What? What?’ in an aggravated tone to some poor receptionist. Even worse they’ll glance at you while shaking their head in disbelief and now you apparently agree.

Arranging a night out

Wankers are so keen to demonstrate to strangers that they have a life, even if the very act of doing so proves how desperate they are. Listen out for them arguing with some fellow wanker called Smeggers or Weasel about whether they should book a booth at The Slug and Lettuce in Kidderminster or just ‘wing it’.

Rowing with their partner

The real prize twat is unable to keep their private life private, drawing a whole train carriage into an argument about who’s picking up the kids on Saturday afternoon. Might be an ex, but knowing twats they’ll actually speak that foully to someone they’re still apparently besotted with.