Sunday, 27th September 2020

Five ways to cope with video conferencing

ARE you loathing those keen bastards who insist on video conferencing when a simple phone call will do? Try these tips for getting out of it: 

Pretend it broke

As with all technology, this is the most obvious way to go. Turn off the camera, stick Blu-Tac over it or for added authenticity actually smash it with a delicate little hammer. Then no-one will see that you’re in pyjamas mouthing ‘f**k off’ whenever Paul from finance speaks.

Get a catchphrase

Maybe your colleagues have not yet realised we are living in strange and unprecedented times? Kill time by pointing this out at every opportunity. After all, these are strange times. Strange times. Very strange times. Hello there, who just joined? Oh, hi Martin. Strange times!

What’s that noise? 

You can hear distracting sounds on the call. Encourage everyone to search for the source. Perhaps it’s on someone’s phone, or laptop, or wireless, or they need to jiggle the plug, or there’s a dog scratching at the door. It’s definitely not you just making Dalek noises for a laugh.

Cough

Cough a bit then say you should leave the call because exact transmission methods haven’t been established yet, and you saw a dire warning on Facebook, allegedly from NASA, that said it can be transmitted via WiFi.

Judge

If all else fails, use the session to study everyone else’s living room and judge harshly. Is that mould on the wall above Becky’s wardrobe? Nathan’s only a brand analyst, how’s he got a bay window and cornicing? Is James really doing this from his home gym? Twat.