Five ways to cope with video conferencing

ARE you loathing those keen bastards who insist on video conferencing when a simple phone call will do? Try these tips for getting out of it: 

Pretend it broke

As with all technology, this is the most obvious way to go. Turn off the camera, stick Blu-Tac over it or for added authenticity actually smash it with a delicate little hammer. Then no-one will see that you’re in pyjamas mouthing ‘f**k off’ whenever Paul from finance speaks.

Get a catchphrase

Maybe your colleagues have not yet realised we are living in strange and unprecedented times? Kill time by pointing this out at every opportunity. After all, these are strange times. Strange times. Very strange times. Hello there, who just joined? Oh, hi Martin. Strange times!

What’s that noise? 

You can hear distracting sounds on the call. Encourage everyone to search for the source. Perhaps it’s on someone’s phone, or laptop, or wireless, or they need to jiggle the plug, or there’s a dog scratching at the door. It’s definitely not you just making Dalek noises for a laugh.


Cough a bit then say you should leave the call because exact transmission methods haven’t been established yet, and you saw a dire warning on Facebook, allegedly from NASA, that said it can be transmitted via WiFi.


If all else fails, use the session to study everyone else’s living room and judge harshly. Is that mould on the wall above Becky’s wardrobe? Nathan’s only a brand analyst, how’s he got a bay window and cornicing? Is James really doing this from his home gym? Twat. 

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Loo roll aisles to be turned into intensive care beds

UNUSED supermarket aisles that once, long ago, contained toilet paper could be repurposed as pop-up intensive care units. 

Asda, Tesco and Morrison’s have already volunteered their aisles, which could hold as many as eight beds each, while Waitrose aisles will be made available for BUPA members.

Health secretary Matt Hancock, who never really wanted the job and does not know what he has done to deserve this, said: “This is called taking the initiative in a crisis.

“Patients will be stacked three high where the Andrex used to be, with essential equipment wheeled through in those cages from out the back. Blood and plasma can easily be stored in the milk fridges.”

The measures are expected to be in place until toilet roll is freely available or the end of 2025, whichever comes first.

Grocery replenishment supervisor and junior trauma surgeon Tom Booker said: “There may be scope for more areas of our store to be turned into field hospital facilities.

“For example, once this final box of lentil pasta goes we can turn these shelves into a small A&E unit for panic-buying-related injuries.”