Saturday, 4th April 2020

How to recreate your crappy office at home

MISSING your colleagues at your office job? Here’s how to recreate a soul-destroying office atmosphere while working from home.

Have incredibly inane conversations with pot plants

Replicate your mindless workplace chats with Gareth and June with whatever vegetation is to hand. Suggested topics include: ‘It’s a bit warmer today’, ‘I went to Nando’s at the weekend’, and ‘There’s a funny smell in the toilets’. The contributions from a silent spider plant will be every bit as scintillating.

Make sexist comments to your cat

No grim office is complete without lad banter. In the absence of any attractive female co-workers at home, whenever your cat walks past make a crude remark under your breath then act like it’s overreacting.

Engage in office politics with your kids

Don’t miss out on office backbiting by encouraging your kids to bitch about each other behind their backs, for example ‘Lucy, I don’t think Jack’s drawing of a spaceman is really cutting it, do you?’

Resent yourself for going to the pub

From now on, only go to the pub – your kitchen – for one hour exactly, even in the evening. If you’re even five minutes late getting back, mutter passive-aggressive comments to yourself like ‘I see you’ve decided to rejoin us’.

Hold a bullshit meeting with your kids’ toys

Waste your own time by having your line manager Mr Bunny hold a meeting about ‘proactive resource management going forward’, attended by Kevin the Crocodile and Buzz Lightyear. Do the voices yourself, and make sure Elsa prattles on for ages to get Mr Bunny’s attention because she is an ambitious cow.

Bully yourself in a mirror

Several times a week, tell yourself ‘I’m not happy with your attitude’ or ‘Get your act together, for f**k’s sake’. Finally snap and ask yourself ‘Right, d’you want to sort this out in the car park?’ Then sack yourself while threatening to get the police involved.