How to recreate your crappy office at home

MISSING your colleagues at your office job? Here’s how to recreate a soul-destroying office atmosphere while working from home.

Have incredibly inane conversations with pot plants

Replicate your mindless workplace chats with Gareth and June with whatever vegetation is to hand. Suggested topics include: ‘It’s a bit warmer today’, ‘I went to Nando’s at the weekend’, and ‘There’s a funny smell in the toilets’. The contributions from a silent spider plant will be every bit as scintillating.

Make sexist comments to your cat

No grim office is complete without lad banter. In the absence of any attractive female co-workers at home, whenever your cat walks past make a crude remark under your breath then act like it’s overreacting.

Engage in office politics with your kids

Don’t miss out on office backbiting by encouraging your kids to bitch about each other behind their backs, for example ‘Lucy, I don’t think Jack’s drawing of a spaceman is really cutting it, do you?’

Resent yourself for going to the pub

From now on, only go to the pub – your kitchen – for one hour exactly, even in the evening. If you’re even five minutes late getting back, mutter passive-aggressive comments to yourself like ‘I see you’ve decided to rejoin us’.

Hold a bullshit meeting with your kids’ toys

Waste your own time by having your line manager Mr Bunny hold a meeting about ‘proactive resource management going forward’, attended by Kevin the Crocodile and Buzz Lightyear. Do the voices yourself, and make sure Elsa prattles on for ages to get Mr Bunny’s attention because she is an ambitious cow.

Bully yourself in a mirror

Several times a week, tell yourself ‘I’m not happy with your attitude’ or ‘Get your act together, for f**k’s sake’. Finally snap and ask yourself ‘Right, d’you want to sort this out in the car park?’ Then sack yourself while threatening to get the police involved.

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Britons spend lovely weekend being totally irresponsible dickheads

THE UK’s residents have spent a lovely weekend behaving like stupid, reckless wankers, they have happily confirmed. 

Across the country, Britons advised to keep away from others and stay home if possible decided to completely ignore that advice and to cram into tourist attractions as if trying to break a f**king record.

Idiot and arsehole Nathan Muir of Derby said: “It’s so nice to see the sun out again. Makes you want to completely disregard all the dire warnings about a coronavirus pandemic and go to Matlock for fish ’n’ chips. So that’s exactly what I did.

“It was absolutely packed with other shitheads like me, queuing up and rubbing together and generally spreading infection, and we all had a lovely f**kwitted time.

“Apparently some people spent the whole two days indoors, not seeing people. I pity them. There might not be another weekend like this for ages.”

Epidemiologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Yes, when telling Britain that it must follow these rules or thousands will die, unfortunately we forgot that in this country it is dickheads’ parade every day of the f**king week.”