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'F**k, is that the moon? I thought it was Mars'

I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me. 

It’s all big in the telescope and everything! And it’s red! Oh, there’s a filter on? Whoever put that there is fired. I didn’t do it. I don’t even know how those buttons work and I didn’t press any.

I asked you for a manned mission to Mars, I microdosed, I went on X to amplify white supremacist voices in the UK, I microdosed a little bit more, I may have dozed off, I woke up and I assumed it was happening.

Okay, well a landing on the moon is still excellent. We’ve beaten the US government and the Chinese. Who’s on the rocket? All white men I hope.

It crashed? Somebody’s ass is getting sued, probably NASA. They should not be letting our spaceships crash. Mandatory screenings of Apollo 13.

What you’re outlining to me sounds like a share-price disaster. No Mars, crash-landing, SpaceX looking incompetent merely because it leaves rockets five storeys high drifting uncontrolled in orbit with every launch. We have to save this.

Lucky I’m a genius. ‘SpaceX has made the first planned Mars landing as scheduled. Places on rockets available for $55m per person, survival guaranteed.’ Send tweet. 800m likes. Now off to Grok for some porn.

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Partial solar eclipses 'crap', scientists confirm

ECLIPSES of the sun which are less than total are underwhelming and not worth looking at, scientists have confirmed.

With the UK due for a partial solar eclipse next week, astronomers have advised Britain to look at images of a proper one on YouTube because they will be more visually impressive.

Professor Martin Bishop said: “Would you be happy if served a partially-cooked chicken burger? No? Well, this is the same only with celestial bodies.

“Ooh, the Moon will get a bit in the way of the sun for a couple of minutes, will it? Big deal. Clouds do that all the time, but nobody flocks to look at them in amazement through pinhole cameras.

“Your friends won’t be impressed when you recount seeing a partial eclipse. It’s like telling people you went to Oxford Brookes University. Everyone knows it’s not the real thing.

“A sunset, where the sun vanishes entirely and the skies go pitch black making stars thousands of light years away visible to the naked eye, is more impressive than a partial eclipse. Nobody makes a fuss about those.”

He added: “My advice is, between 6pm and 8pm next Wednesday while this is going on, make yourself some dinner. Have a scroll on your phone. Under no circumstances turn on The One Show.”

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