Flash Gordon to investigate unusual weather

AMERICAN football player Flash Gordon is to investigate the UK’s recent unusual weather.

The Met Office hopes to discover the cause of the unpredictable weather by sending Gordon into space with an attractive journalist and a scientist of questionable sanity.

A Met Office spokesman said: “Some would argue that a professional sportsman is not the obvious choice for a meteorological research project, but Michael Fish was busy doing a series for BBC2.

“However we don’t feel this will be a problem, as Flash will be accompanied by the brilliant scientist Dr Hans Zarkov and journalist Dale Arden, who is extremely feisty.

“Our plan is to send Flash and his companions to a new planet that has just entered the solar system, Mongo, which we think may have some connection to our lousy summer weather.

“Once they get there, they will just need to conduct some simple meteorological tests then come back. It should all be pretty straightforward.”

Gordon said: “I’m just glad to help. There’s nothing worse than it raining during a barbeque and having to finish your sausages off under the grill.

“Dr Zarkov says he’s been picking up some strange radio transmissions, including the words ‘dispatch war rocket Ajax’ and the sound of booming laughter, but it’s probably nothing.

“It’s not as though we’re going to encounter some threatening but weirdly camp extraterrestrial civilization.”

The Met Office has predicted scattered meteorite showers at the weekend.

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God is dead, say Girl Guides

GOD is dead and patriotism is intellectually bankrupt, the Girl Guides have announced.

The movement’s new oath shuns the concepts of deity and nationhood but retains a pledge of loyalty to the Queen after the monarch wrote what the Guides described as a ‘pitiful begging letter’.

Conservative MP, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “They are on the road to hell. The Girl Guides have become a nihilistic, pseudo-anarchist militia, hungry for meth.”

But Emma Johnson, a 13 year-old Guide from Stevenage, said: “We now worship the sacred feminine. We have no need of your crumbling deity, spouting the same old Stone Age bullshit.”

Johnson also dismissed the nation state as an ’embarrassing relic of the 20th Century’, adding: “It is simply an instrument for the conduct of capitalist, phallocentric wars.

“Each Girl Guide troop is now an informal community of free individuals, searching for meaning while unencumbered by the fascistic structures of national identity.”

Johnson also revealed that the Queen’s letter was ‘pathetic’.

“She said that if we ditched her then her entire 60 year reign would have been an utter waste of time.

‘We’ll throw her a bone, but when she’s gone we’ll probably pledge our loyalty to Sarah Lund, Annie Lennox or this one armed doll we found in a skip. It’s all just a load of piss anyway.

“God is dead. Fuck Britain.”