Friend starts WhatsApp group to plan her next dump

A FRIEND has started a new WhatsApp group, inviting you and 16 other close acquaintances, to plan an upcoming bowel movement. 

Emma Bradford set up ‘Big Shit Coming!’, the latest in a series of unnecessary group chats over the last few months, and invited you to join her and a select group of pals in discussing her impending dump.

She said: “I know that it’s a lot of the same people who are already in ‘Nicole’s Baby Shower’, ‘Weekend Brunch’ and ‘Cinema Visit?!?’ but I think this burgeoning poo merits a separate chat to keep things neat.

“I’ve kicked things off with a series of hilarious gifs of straining faces and sewage outfalls, I’m asking for book recommendations and I’ve prompted Natalie to tell everyone about her 2018 dump that forced her to seek medical attention.

“It should be really lively, and sit alongside ‘Camping trip 2023’, ‘New wallpaper ideas – feedback pls!’ ‘Tom Hardy so f**king gorge’ ‘Hair straightener recomms?’ and the classic ‘Girls girls girls’ chat as fun forums for everyone to join in.”

Friends Joanna Kramer said: “I don’t care how big a shit it is. It could be discussed on any number of existing groups or not at all. I can’t keep up with the muting.

“Though that said, I can’t let this ‘air freshener or open a window’ debate pass. I’m readying my typing fingers. These people need f**king telling.”

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Six things to be staggered at the f**king cost of

EVERYTHING costs more than previously, but these six items cost more than you are capable of comprehending. Reel at the sheer cost of these: 

A 2012 Nissan Micra: £7,500

Ten years old, 50,000 miles on the clock, a 1.2 litre engine: you f**king what? It can’t be that much. You only paid three grand more for your current car which is bigger and newer and superior in every way, and that’s shit. Though from now on you’ll be driving it like it’s made of glass.

A quote from a builder: £3,200

It’s not major work. You’re not getting a pissing extension. Just a garden wall and fixing the paving and sorting out that gutter that came off in Storm Eunice, and he’s quoting that? While telling you it could be a lot higher by May, which is the soonest he’s got a gap in the diary?

A two-bedroom flat in Manchester: £1,200 a month

No, the Manchester up North, not a fancy district of London calling itself Manchester. The actual Manchester – what? Seriously? For a flat where the living area’s basically the hall and the bedroom’s a corridor? That you couldn’t get three mates in without one of them sitting in the kitchen? In a shithole like Manchester?

Cooking a roast dinner: £2.12 an hour

The Sunday roast’s on, you’re slicing carrots, you’ve poured yourself a glass of wine, then you catch sight of the smart meter. That much an hour? To roast a chicken? Can you serve it undercooked? How much is it going to cost by Christmas dinner? No question, you’ll have to go your mum’s.

A Billy bookcase: £70

You’ve abandoned all illusions. You no longer believe that you can do better than IKEA, the same place you bought furniture when you were a f**king student. You just want somewhere to put your books, even if it is cheap, shit chipboard that’ll collapse when a butterfly alights on it. It used to be like £22. Now it’s £70.

A bag of Tyrrells: £2.30

Everything’s too much, so you’re going to sit at home on the settee and eat crisps while watching telly. It’s the British way. Except even at a big supermarket they’re charging the kind of price you only used to see on a bloody train. You can’t even afford to kill yourself slowly by blocking your arteries. That’s what we’ve come to.