AFTER a year of work, you’ll want to spend your holiday doing f**k all. Unless you’re middle class, in which case you’ll want to use it to tediously better yourself. But which is more fun?
Food
Middle class: You booked this villa specifically because it has a luxury outdoor kitchen. This means you can break up trips to darling little local restaurants by slaving in it for hours to produce elaborate dishes of fish purchased fresh from the harbour and mushrooms you foraged this morning.
Working class: No cooking. Cafe or takeaway, don’t care. Lots of it.
Drinks
Middle class: While the kids are having private one-to-one paddle boarding lessons, you go on a wine tasting trip to select several expensive bottles to sip appreciatively throughout your holiday. It’s about improving your palette, not getting pissed for the sake of it.
Working class: Local beers or amazingly cheap local wine. All delicious, lots of it.
Accommodation
Middle class: The villa needs to be far enough from a town to be considered rural, but near enough that the cleaner can still come and you can have fresh bread and vegetables delivered daily, ideally by a charmingly ugly old man who you photograph yourselves with for Instagram.
Working class: All-inclusive hotel with a big bed, curtains that shut properly, a telly and a pool with a bar.
Entertainment
Middle class: Cathedrals, monasteries and nunneries are a must. You’d also like a genuine Perugian nonna to teach you how to make pasta, which you will begrudgingly part with money for on realising she doesn’t just do it out of the kindness of her big Italian heart.
Working class: Hire mopeds to zip around the local beaches, then go to a club that plays Europop until 3am and is only 20 metres from the hotel.
Activities
Middle class: Sunrise yoga session in geodesic dome in local olive grove, before dressing the kids in hundreds of pounds-worth of hiking gear and forcing them to walk up a mountain.
Working class: Lying down. Drinking. Sleeping. Loads of it.
