Ghosts unhappy with own logic

GHOSTS have complained that too many aspects of their existence do not make sense.

The spirits of the dead have asked for clarification of how and why they exist, and have highlighted problematic issues such as wearing clothes.

Ghost Norman Steele said: “I don’t understand why only some dead people become ghosts. It’s pretty boring bumping into the same old ghosts of Anne Boleyn and headless horsemen every night.

“If ghosts are human souls, how come we’re wearing clothes? Have trousers got souls? In fact, what am I actually made of? If I’m sufficiently physically real to be photographed by a camera, then surely someone could catch me in a vacuum cleaner?

“It’s all very confusing, and that’s before I’ve even started on why there’s no sex in the afterlife. It’s a real shame with sexy lady ghosts like Marilyn and Lady Hamilton.”

Former living person Nikki Hollis said: “I am apparently conscious, yet I just seem to walk along a predetermined path in a graveyard every night. Why can’t I go to Pizza Express occasionally?

“Also, why do I have to walk up stairs that aren’t there anymore? Can’t I just float to Neptune if I feel like it? It’s almost as if the rules for ghosts are totally arbitrary.”

Ghost hunter Roy Hobbs said: “The existence of ghosts indicates there is life after death, so logically I should become very religious in case hell exists. But that’s not as much fun as dicking around with an EMF meter on the assumption that ghosts are electric.”

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Old lady sent to care home after fall

MADONNA’S family has made the difficult decision to send her to Rydean Manor residential care home in Sussex.

The former pop star’s nasty fall at last night’s Brit awards was the final straw for her children after a number of incidents in recent months.

Daughter Lourdes Ciccone said: “There was the fall in November when she climbed on a chair to dust the pelmets, and another one last month on a patch of ice outside the Post Office.

“She refuses to use the mobility scooter we got her at Christmas in case anyone from church sees her, and last time I went round the fridge was full of mouldy chicken.

“It breaks my heart but she’s not capable of living independently anymore.

“The staff at the home seemed very nice and caring, they have cake in the afternoon and a weekly memory club.”

Care assistant Joanna Kramer said: “She seems very sweet but we have been instructed to keep her away from crucifixes, apparently she has a slightly unsavoury habit.”