Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your current problems could be related to that birthday party you had when you were seven and nobody turned up. You’d forgotten about that? Ah, sorry.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A shooting star will blaze briefly across your sign on Friday before landing on your shed, setting fire to it.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Pressure builds at work for the rest of this week until Monday, when the gents’ toilet explodes.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Geminis are naturally social people, as is the disease you’re diagnosed with today.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A medium-sized, fair-skinned vague acquaintance will come into your life soon. It can’t all be tall, dark strangers, you know.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A stubborn relative refuses to accept they need help, so why not make their life so incredibly awful they have no other option?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Virgos have a very firm sense of right and wrong, which makes what you’re doing with your sister’s husband all the more delicious.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Old habits can be hard to break so why not distract yourself from the stress of giving up coffee by starting up a vigorous crack habit?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Not all decisions not be rational, so why not trust your spiritual side and throw some runes to decide whether to indicate before pulling into traffic?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Fat, white and out of shape. You’re more a saggy Aryan than a Sagittarian.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will remember you’re a womble, the Alamo and the 5th of November but will forget about Dre.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s all good in the hood, but you got some of it down the sleeve.