Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your current problems could be related to that birthday party you had when you were seven and nobody turned up. You’d forgotten about that? Ah, sorry.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A shooting star will blaze briefly across your sign on Friday before landing on your shed, setting fire to it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Pressure builds at work for the rest of this week until Monday, when the gents’ toilet explodes.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Geminis are naturally social people, as is the disease you’re diagnosed with today.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A medium-sized, fair-skinned vague acquaintance will come into your life soon. It can’t all be tall, dark strangers, you know.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A stubborn relative refuses to accept they need help, so why not make their life so incredibly awful they have no other option?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Virgos have a very firm sense of right and wrong, which makes what you’re doing with your sister’s husband all the more delicious.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Old habits can be hard to break so why not distract yourself from the stress of giving up coffee by starting up a vigorous crack habit?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Not all decisions not be rational, so why not trust your spiritual side and throw some runes to decide whether to indicate before pulling into traffic?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Fat, white and out of shape. You’re more a saggy Aryan than a Sagittarian.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will remember you’re a womble, the Alamo and the 5th of November but will forget about Dre.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s all good in the hood, but you got some of it down the sleeve.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

FIFA task force recommends anti-Qatar

A FIFA task force has recommended finding out what the exact opposite of holding the World Cup in Qatar is and doing that.

A spokesman said: “The ideal host country for the 2022 World Cup would have a long history with the game, football stadiums, a strong human rights record and a pleasant summer climate ideal for physical exertion.

“A stable government not wholly dependent on the price of oil, which incidentally is plummeting, and a shortage of politically turbulent neighbours harbouring radicals eager to strike a blow against the West would also be an advantage.

“Unfortunately, and no criticism of FIFA’s voting process is at all implied, these qualities are exactly what Qatar does not have.

“If scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider could somehow make an anti-matter Qatar, like that ray that created Bizarro out of Superman, then the resulting Rataq would be the perfect hosts.”