Aortic aneurysms caused by movement of Saturn, admits NHS

THE NHS has admitted some forms of heart disease are caused by the alignment of planets in the outer solar system.

Experts said the movement of Saturn through Aquarius causes dilation of the aorta just below the left ventricle and if left untreated can cause sudden death or exciting new career opportunities.

A NHS spokesman said: “Initially we dismissed the research, but the results were conclusive. We don’t yet know how it affects the other major organs, but there’s no question that endocarditis, aortic aneurysms and hypertrophic cardiomyopathy are all caused by Saturn.”

Martin Bishop, a consultant cardiologist, added: “If you’re a Scorpio or a Gemini you should probably get a scan. But wait until after the 15th because of Leo, obviously.

“On the upside, if you’re a Sagittarius you can eat whatever you want.

“You’re heart may still be broken towards the end of the month, but by unrequited love rather than a myocardial infarction.”

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The Mash guide to BDSM

IT’S the underground sex craze that’s gone overground, with bondage on Country File and vicars theming their sermons around butt plugs. Here’s our guide:

— The first question you’ll be asked at any S&M night is “What’s your pain threshold?” Get it officially assessed before you go at your local mechanic or any branch of Kwik-Fit.

— It’s important to know in advance of sex who is the sub and who is the domme. Toss a coin and if the loser accepts the result without demanding the best of three, they’re the sub.

— Always decide beforehand on a safeword. Strong safewords contain a mix of lower and upper-case letters, numbers and at least one special character using the shift key.

— Knowing your knots makes you indispensable at both a sex party and on a billionaire’s yacht, and doubly so at a sex party on a billionaire’s yacht.

— Be creative and make your own anal beads by going to any bead shop and picking a selection you like. Ensure the beads you are buying are anal by asking the lady behind the counter.

— If an object becomes lodged internally, try just leaving it. Most likely, it will either work its own way out or you’ll get so used to it you’ll find it hard to remember when it wasn’t there.

— Be careful not to take your enjoyment of fetish items, for example knee-high patent leather boots and riding crops, too far. A good example of people who took fetish wear too far are the Nazis.