Glass exists, admit flies

FLIES have admitted the universe contains a substance which light can pass through but they cannot.

The hypothesis is based on countless hours of repeatedly smacking into every point where such a barrier is thought to exist.

Fly Tom Booker said: “How could something be hard and see-through? It’s too mental. Fly wisdom had it that any barrier is only an illusion caused by not flying at it often enough.

“But after seeing hundreds, if not thousands, of close friends suddenly explode in what seemed to be mid-air, it’s time to accept that the ‘glassers’ among us are not just crackpots.”

But other fly Nathan Muir insisted: “It’s utter nonsense. I’m just having a bit of trouble flying through this bit, that’s all.

“I’ll try this bit. No? Then this bit. Have I tried over here already?”

Booker added: “There may be a way to instantly teleport from one side of the barrier to the other. I saw a film about that, I can’t remember the title but it was good.”

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Caligula's Commonwealth Games

It was supposed to be a big reveal but I can’t keep it in any longer: I, Caligula, have been the mastermind behind the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games all along! I can’t believe you hadn’t guessed!

The plan to kick off the Games by taking half a ton of dynamite and razing the high-rise pleb habitation? One of mine. Let me hear you say YEAH!

The mascot, Clyde? Straight from the dream I had after eating some bad pate and watching Rainbow.

This week we’ve had the grand unveiling of my hispter-inspired Scottish team uniform. No-one loves massive sporting events more than those Glaswegians who do all their shopping in rural charity shops and graduated in textiles from the School of Art. You find them in one of the city’s three artisan coffee houses, wearing woolly mustard knee-high socks in July and carrying shoulder bags just big enough for their iPod, which is playing Wet Wet Wet in an ironic way. “I don’t even own a TV,” they’ll say. Right before desperately asking you who’s won the wrestling. The Games is for them!

It will be non-stop excitement! You’ll remember the time I became bored at the Colosseum and had a section of the audience thrown to some angry lions? Nothing says Glasgow like tossing a crowd of paying ticket holders into a slaughter pit for fun. We shall play bagpipe music as we do it.

If any athlete fails to keep me interested, I will create a spectacle of him. Chris Hoy the Elder is looking a bit insipid during the opening parade? He shall now be known as Chris Hoy the Pure Fanny. Andy Murray has displeased me this year and shall be renamed Bandy Murray – everyone will laugh at him trying to walk in a straight line. Jim White is annoying me. Place him in a barrel of wasps and put him on the waltzers. Also I don’t think much of that Gerard Butler.

Finally, I’d like to carry on where I left in Rome and make my favourite horse, Incitatus, a high-ranking member of the council. He has much to bring to the table and can generally use past participles more accurately than the current leader of the Scottish Labour Party.

Let the Games commence!