Going home much better than going big

GOING home is considerably better than going big, experts have confirmed.

After extensive analysis, researchers from the Institute of Studies found that going big offered, at best, very short-term benefits.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Think about home. That’s the warm, cosy place where your sofa and blankets are, not to mention your TV and your food and drink.

“Now think about ‘going big’. It can take a variety of forms, but almost all of them involve spending your money, having your personal space invaded and dealing with the unrelenting dickishness of other humans.”

Some sceptics have opposed the findings, claiming that those who opt not to go big are ‘nerds’ and ‘boring bastards’.

Brubaker responded: “I couldn’t give a shit. Going out is awful. I’m off to watch nature documentaries and eat garlic bread.”

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I'm not scary kids, says man nailed to a plank

JESUS has condemned scary things, despite being nailed to some wood and wearing a crown of thorns.

Central figure of Christianity Jesus said: “I really worry about the occult symbolism of Halloween, it encourages kids to get into ghosts and magic which are very bad and not what I’m about at all.

“The excessive sugar, the horror films, it’s all a bit intense. I’m saying forget that kids, come to your local church and worship a lovely statue of me with big bleeding wounds on my hands and feet.

“We’ve got Twister, Kerplunk, hide and seek, although no hiding in the crypt please, we’re not checking all those coffins again.”

Nine-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I realise now that Halloween things like vampires, monsters and the comics character Harley Quinn are evil and I should go to church instead of trick or treating.

“Also if I don’t Jesus said I might go to Hell, a fiery place full of unimaginable pain and torment. That really firmed up my decision.”