Parliament to tackle sexual harassment with pay rise for MPs

THE best way to stamp out sexual harassment in parliament is to pay MPs more if they promise not to do it, it has been claimed.

Politicians believe they should be rewarded with a modest £25,000 pay rise if they do their best to stop making lewd comments to women and touching them inappropriately.

Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “I’ve spoken to MPs on both sides of the House and we all agree we must do everything we can to prevent sexual harassment by us.

“I feel a pay rise will work because if there’s one thing that motivates MPs it’s being given money.

“The next time I see a smashing pair of knockers I’ll just think about all the extra cash I can invest in organic dog treats for my labrador ‘Brunel’ and that should distract me until I’m out of danger.”

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Halloween Quiz: Are you psychic or just stupid?

DO perfectly normal events make you think you’re ‘a bit psychic’ or even in contact with the spirit world? Take our quiz and find out if you are gifted or a moron.

Sometimes you think about a person and they ring shortly afterwards. Why is this?

A. Because you only know about three people and you owe them all money.

B. Because you have an incredible psychic power which is sadly limited to telling you if your sister might ring.

While visiting a stately home you see a white figure in the distance who disappears out of view. What was it?

A. A caterer or just someone wearing white clothes.

B. Definitely a ghost, probably of a 16th century noblewoman. Or possibly a fairy.

You are driving to work and get a strong sense you didn’t lock the back door. When you drive back to check, this is correct. Why was this?

A. You just remembered something quite important.

B. Your guardian angel saw you’d left the door unlocked, flew down from Heaven, zoomed along the motorway and into your car, gave you a telepathic message then flew off again.

You visit a medium who gets a remarkable number of things right and gives you a comforting message from your dead aunt Jean. How was this possible?

A. The medium used guesswork and lots of leading questions.

B. The medium can literally communicate with billions of souls. Unfortunately they choose not to give answers to the deepest questions of human existence and instead just say things like, ‘Auntie Jean says it’s nice here’.

Mostly As. You are not gullible but not psychic either, which is disappointing but at least you won’t waste a small fortune on paranormal books and factory-made ‘faerie folk’ ornaments.

Mostly Bs. You are clearly at one with the psychic realm, a very special gift shared only by you, the kid from that Bruce Willis film and millions of menopausal American women.