Guardian confused by man who doesn't want to go to Oxbridge

THE Guardian is deeply confused by a man who does not want to study at ‘Oxbridge’, it has confirmed.

After publishing its 93rd article this month about some tedious aspect of the elite universities’ selection process, the newspaper admitted it was puzzled by 18-year-old Stephen Malley’s indifference to Oxford or Cambridge.

Malley said: “I want to be a chef, and I’m not sure how fannying about for three years with very tall people will help me to cook food.

“Also I just went to school for a number of years and thought it was awful, so I’m not sure why I’d want to continue that sort of thing even if it’s in really nice old buildings.

“Maybe some people will benefit from that but to me it all seems like a lot of bollocks.”

A spokesman said: “Obviously Britain’s oppressive class system has cruelly limited his aspirations, or he’s got some sort of syndrome.

“We particularly need to get more working-class pupils through the entrance exams so they can enjoy the benefits of highly selective education, achieve social mobility and enjoy Duchy Originals biscuits on a regular basis.

“That’s not the same principle as grammar schools, by the way. It’s totally different.”

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Government bidding to be most f**ked-up ever

TORIES are throwing everything behind an attempt to enter the record books as the most f**ked-up British government of all time. 

Clinging to power after a benchmark-settingly shite election campaign, Theresa May’s government looks set to lose the wafer-thin majority it holds by bargaining with religious fanatics because its MPs have built up a spreadsheet’s-worth of pathetic sexual misdemeanours.

Political analyst Helen Archer said: “They’re really going for broke on this one. 

“They’ve spent seven years ruining the private sector and public sector simultaneously leaving the UK with an economy that basically needs to be thrown out and started over again. 

“And now, with the party at civil war and its deeply unpopular leader only in power as a placeholder, the country will be paralysed due to its representatives being ‘a bit handsy’.

“All we need now is the exposure of massive financial corruption, the breakdown of society, and stumbling into war and they’re up there at the top. 

“Confident Boris can handle all that. With style.”