Guardian confused by man who doesn’t want to go to Oxbridge

THE Guardian is deeply confused by a man who does not want to study at ‘Oxbridge’, it has confirmed.

After publishing its 93rd article this month about some tedious aspect of the elite universities’ selection process, the newspaper admitted it was puzzled by 18-year-old Stephen Malley’s indifference to Oxford or Cambridge.

Malley said: “I want to be a chef, and I’m not sure how fannying about for three years with very tall people will help me to cook food.

“Also I just went to school for a number of years and thought it was awful, so I’m not sure why I’d want to continue that sort of thing even if it’s in really nice old buildings.

“Maybe some people will benefit from that but to me it all seems like a lot of bollocks.”

A spokesman said: “Obviously Britain’s oppressive class system has cruelly limited his aspirations, or he’s got some sort of syndrome.

“We particularly need to get more working-class pupils through the entrance exams so they can enjoy the benefits of highly selective education, achieve social mobility and enjoy Duchy Originals biscuits on a regular basis.

“That’s not the same principle as grammar schools, by the way. It’s totally different.”