Google reveals search terms of the apocalypse

GOOGLE has announced the search terms that will spell the End of Days

This year’s most asked questions show a move away from harmless porn and towards blank-eyed sexless creatures that foreshadow a billion year reign of blood, mountains of burning bodies and another series of The Morgana Show.

Google vice president, Martin Bishop, said: “It used to be all horse lesbianism and chimps rubbing their bogies into people’s hair. They were happier, simpler times.

“It was just me and Roy back then, of course, and we’d hand-deliver the requests for Belgian Scat Screensavers and Hide The Fist.

“But nowadays it’s billions of people clamoring to know if iPads can predict the results of Strictly Come Dancing and whether Cheryl Cole has positioned her snatch in the direction of something called a ‘Bieber’.”

He added: “I went into the room where the searches are processed the other day and for a brief moment it appeared to change into a vast pit of the screaming damned begging for the gift of oblivion and a release from the agony of giving a toss about Glee.

“You don’t have to put up with that kind of shit working at Yahoo. And they get free smoothies, apparently.”

Experts have used Google for several years to track how close mankind is to drowning in a sea of Satan’s hot piss and many estimate that just a few more questions about Katy Perry should do the trick.

Apocalypsologist, Nathan Muir, said: “Pretty soon the two O’s in the logo will turn into lidless flaming eyes that stare into your soul while you’re asking it about Chatroulette. It’ll be a bit like being caught wanking by Sauron.”



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Tevez demands bigger cage

MANCHESTER City cheese-before-bedtime nightmare Carlos Tevez has rocked fans by asking for a larger pen.

The player’s controversial handler and Countdown conundrum Kia Joorabchian has been blamed for the unrest after poking Tevez with a stick during feeding time and showing him photos of Madrid abattoirs.

City manager Brian Mancini said: “He has the finest straw to line his bed, which needs changing every four hours because he shits like a tiger eating curried goat, and every year we toss in a maiden from the village.

“We’ve even stopped parading him through town on the end of a long chain so baying crowds can throw fruit at him.

“I don’t know what more he expects, not least because we’re still confused about how many grunts mean he’s angry and how many mean he wants fresh water.”

Tevez angered many in Manchester by escaping from his United enclosure during a thunderstorm that shorted out his security system and eventually settling in the boiler room in the City Of Manchester stadium, living off rats and chunks of Shaun Goater.

His latest anguished cries for release may see him driven out of the city altogether by torch-wielding locals who have repeatedly warned City’s management that by signing the striker they were meddling with forces they did not understand.

Meanwhile Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho has employed a gypsy peasant girl to entice Tevez to the Bernabeu before a squad of marksmen sedate him with tranquiliser darts.

Mourinho said: “Capturing Tevez will be our biggest coup since luring Ronaldo with a trail of mirrors and pots of over-priced hair-gel.”