Google Translate hasn’t got a f**king clue what to do with mother's passive aggressive texts

GOOGLE has admitted its translation service has no idea how to decipher a mother’s tone in her latest series of messages.

In an act of desperation, perplexed Sally Jenkins entered several of her mother’s cryptic notes into Google Translate in a bid to understand ‘what the hell she was getting at’.

Jenkins said: “I noticed something was up with mum’s texts when she started ending each one with a full stop. Nobody does that, not even serial killers.”

Jenkins fed the messages into Google Translate, mostly involving a planned visit that ‘will be over before it’s started’, but moments later her laptop had crashed.

A Google spokesman said: “We’ve got someone working round the clock on passive-aggressive mother-speak. I suppose we could just ask them what it is they are actually trying to say, but we’re too scared.

“We did ask a couple of mothers if they could just offer us some basic guidance. They said they were happy to, but they said it in a strange tone that might have implied something else.”

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I regret nothing more in life than adopting this snow leopard 

IT seemed like a good idea. The right thing to do. Giving something back. But there is nothing I regret more in this world than my decision to adopt a snow leopard.

I couldn’t have known how challenging it would be. How damaged this poor animal already was. What a drain it would become on my energy and finances.

£3 a month? That’s just the start. Before I’d had even two months to enjoy the benevolent glow of that direct debit, I was getting emails warning me about how badly Steven – my leopard – was managing.

He’d been caught in a poacher’s snare. He’d been spotted in Chinese territory. Climate change-associated loss of habitat had left him hungry.

I’d thought he seemed proud, independent, a noble animal who just needed a helping hand. But instead I’d found myself fully responsible for a spotty, scruffy freeloader unwilling or unable to help himself.

Weighed down by worry, unable to concentrate at work for fear Steven had once again proved too hapless to bring down a Siberian ibex, I upped my direct debit, and again. But his problems only worsened.

It was when I found myself lobbying the Nepalese government at 3am on a Tuesday that I realised it had gone too far. This snow leopard was ruining my life.

I cancelled my direct debit. I tore up the picture of Steven on the fridge. I gave his cuddly toy replica to a charity shop. I closed my heart to his never-ending needs.

Now I sponsor an otter, Lynne, in a nearby sanctuary instead. She’s not as exotic or exciting, but she’s reliable and all she wants is regular fish.

Sorry, Steven. But you needed more from me than I could give.