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Gran pressing remote buttons with the force of a thousand Hulks

A GRANDMOTHER is operating her TV remote as if she intends to crush it into oblivion.

Mary Fisher changes channels and adjusts the volume by applying pressure to the buttons more usually associated with super-strong Marvel character the Hulk in ‘rage mode’.

Fisher explained: “It’s like a manual typewriter, isn’t it? If you don’t hit the keys hard enough it won’t do anything.

“I also like to go right up to the set when I press the button to increase the chances of it working. You can’t expect a remote control to work from halfway across a normal-sized room. It’s not magic.  

“I know what I’m talking about because I worked all my life as a medical secretary. It’s a shame they don’t make these gadgets like the old typewriters. Cheap foreign rubbish, they break every five minutes.”

Fisher’s daughter Elaine said: “Mum’s a nightmare with her remotes. She cracks it through sheer force so I get her a new one, and a week later, here we go again.

“It’s certainly fair to say she’s applying Hulk-like strength that could easily snap the neck of Thanos, but I won’t be mentioning it as her only cultural reference points are Antiques Road Trip, The Repair Shop and Corrie.  

“I hide my iPhone when I visit because f**k knows what she’d do to that. Touchscreen make Hulk angry.”

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Her hormones, and other convincing explanations why she dumped you but it's not your fault

BEING dumped can be devastating, but thankfully there’s no way you could be to blame. Here are the real reasons she did it. 

It was her hormones

Women’s hormones are responsible for every major life decision, from crying at dog videos to ending a six-year relationship. She definitely wasn’t reacting to years of being ignored while you shouted at the football. It was all oestrogen.

Mercury was in retrograde

Scientists are strangely reluctant to acknowledge the role of planets in your ex blocking your number. If Venus can control the tides – or however it works – it can certainly make her realise she wants someone who owns more than two sheets.

Her friends got in her head

Women exist as a hive mind, incapable of switching on the telly without consulting each other. Left alone she’d still be more than happy to listen to Joe Rogan with you for three hours. But one brunch with the girls and suddenly she’s developed ‘standards’. Very suspicious. And don’t rule out the malign influence of her hairdresser. Women can’t say no to them.

She’s working on herself

This almost certainly has nothing to do with the bloke called Ben who keeps appearing on her Instagram stories holding two cocktails. She’s merely finding herself. Ben just happens to be standing exactly where she keeps looking.

She was intimidated by you

A classic. Your relentless confidence, encyclopaedic knowledge of Premier League net spend and refusal to pay for her coffee proved too much. Some women simply aren’t ready for that level of alpha male energy.

She’s mental 

Well, she’d have to be to leave you. And think of her psycho reaction when you romantically phoned her pissed at 5am and seeking nudes. It’s important she spends time discovering who she really is. A nutter. Unfortunately she’ll be doing that with the guy at work you were told ‘not to worry about’.

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