ANDY Burnham is stupidly frittering his time on issues like buses and social care. This is not the job of the prime minister, who should be laser-focused on things like this:
Making Union Jacks acceptable
Burnham should be more like Starmer and tell us we shouldn’t be ashamed of loving the Union Jack, even though no one is. We need to know it’s fine to wrap your flag around a couple of pillows and put your penis in it. Burnham should announce this on Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg, with a full demonstration.
Banning Kneecap
Does Burnham not realise Kneecap are still out there with their anti-genocide views, albeit dumbly expressed by shouting support for Hamas? He needs to pretend he might ban them or put them in prison, which obviously he can’t because it would be fascist, impossible and mental. And don’t forget Bob Vylan, although everyone else has.
Smoking and vaping
If there one thing that will make Britain great again, it’s hassling a shrinking minority of diehard smokers and also vapers, whose habit isn’t risk-free but apparently isn’t that deadly either. F**k’s sake, Andy, get your priorities right.
Making a twat of yourself
Burnham could learn from Rishi Sunak, who did a memorable photo-op to prove he was normal. He managed to mess it up and look even more out-of-touch by not knowing how to use a contact payment card, but it’s what a PM should be doing. Get yourself down to Asda and make your PA do a big shop for you, Andy, then try to pay with gold bullion.
Copying Reform
Cancel intelligence briefings and trips to the G7 so you can spend literally all your time monitoring Nigel Farage. If he thinks of a policy racists approve of you need to be ready to copy him, because voters want a diluted, unconvincing version of what someone else is offering. Andy, why not have Cisgender Pride Month ready to go?
Free gifts
Boris Johnson received endless free holidays, wallpaper and God knows what. Starmer had his Taylor Swift tickets and – admirably frugally – got Lord Alli to pay for his glasses. Voters like to know a PM is working hard either going to gigs or dealing with the resultant controversies when the only freebies they get in the course of their job are a Christmas party and some nasty tuna sandwiches in a meeting.
Being working-class
Any PM must establish their working-class credentials, as Starmer did so brilliantly with his gripping tales of his father the toolmaker that were only partly bullshit. Burnham is already from a Northern working-class background, but he should try to increase his working-classness, perhaps by claiming he is the result of a coal miner impregnating a pie.
