Grandma watches looping video on Mail Online for seven hours

A GRANDMOTHER has been watching a 16-second video loop on the front page of Mail Online for almost seven hours, her family has discovered. 

Eleanor Shaw began watching the video on her iPad, a present for her 80th birthday last week, when she awoke this morning and said she did not want to be rude and leave before it finished.

She continued: “I couldn’t believe my eyes at first. A moving picture in a newspaper. It amazes me what they do these days.

“It was a man going down a street that was flooded, and it did seem familiar. I wondered if it was valley bottom where the Queen’s Mill was, you know, near where Hanson’s Fair used to pitch up.

“I do like to watch the world go by, so I settled with a cup of tea and enjoyed it for a little bit. The man seemed very familiar after a while, like I’d seen him before, and I thought perhaps it was Dora’s eldest and got on the blower to ask.

“Well apparently my grandson says it was the same man over and over, though I don’t know if that’s right. Still, it was better than all this swearing and filth on the television these days, like Strictly Come Dancing.

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I surfed to work, claims arsehole Londoner

AN INSUFFERABLE London-based interface designer claims to have surfed into his workplace from his Hertfordshire home. 

Julian Cook, who last week claimed to be ‘pioneering the three-quarter trouser revival’, told colleagues that he saw the flash-floods coming and decided he might as well surf to the office.

He continued: “Yeah, I mean I had the board with me because I might go straight to St Ives tonight, there’s a bit of a party, so when I saw the breakers on the train tracks I figured hey, it’s as easy to ride this bitch all the way to Zone 1.

“Actually waved to Suzanne over there when I was trimming the wave through Moorgate but she was on her phone as ever, though the honeys near her were mad impressed.

“Took it through the barrel and out the backdoor coming down, then blew out just next to the Oyster Shed, two minutes’ walk away. Didn’t even get wet. Kind of amazing.”

When asked where his surfboard was at present, Cook said he had left it with an artist mate who was airbrushing ironic eagle designs on it ‘just for exposure’ but that it definitely, definitely happened.