Graveyards, and four other f**king mental things to leave Google reviews on

HAVE you browsed Google and noticed that a whole host of mental things can be reviewed? Here are some of the strangest to leave your opinion on.


When choosing where to bury someone, very few families are going to hit up Google to peruse the reviews left by local nutters. Comments like: ‘Vicar gave me grief for moving flowers from other graves onto my uncle’s. Unacceptable’ and ‘Depressing atmosphere’ aren’t really helping anyone.


If you’re looking for a great way to waste everyone’s time, why not review a random river you once visited? Everyone will surely be grateful for such worthwhile 1-star observations as: ‘Spent six hours fishing, and caught NOTHING. Overrated.’ Or: ‘My son accidentally dropped his packed lunch and it was swept away INSTANTLY. Local council uninterested in retrieving it.’

Nature reserves

Here’s a handy question to ask yourself before deciding to review a nature reserve in Northumberland created as a breeding ground for curlews: ‘Are you a curlew?’ If the answer is ‘No. I am a 52-year-old human man from Basingstoke’, maybe don’t post your review saying: ‘Awful place, incredibly muddy and kept treading on eggs everywhere.’


Don’t leave mental reviews like: ‘Waited 10 hours in A&E before I was seen by a nurse about my acute gonorrhoea. Ian Henderson, Stoke’. Or: ‘1 Star. Maternity ward’s vending machine broken. Luckily the birth of my son was handled expertly.’ Maybe instead think about how to solve these NHS issues, eg. vote for a party that doesn’t want to privatise it.


‘Far too tall. Samantha, Newcastle.’ ‘Surely the council could level it and create a bowling alley instead. Jeff, Bath.’ It’s great that you’re using the internet to weigh in on various UK mountain ranges dating from the Caledonian folding period half a billion years ago. Your opinion matters.

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Other football clubs asked to take in Chelsea fans

OTHER Premier League football clubs have been asked to take in displaced Chelsea fans as their team faces ruin.

Following the government’s sanctioning of club owner and oligarch Roman Abramovich, other Premier League teams have been asked to accommodate displaced Chelsea fans as they frantically pile into packed trains leaving Fulham.

Chelsea supporter Nikki Hollis, cradling her baby, said: “Please help, we’ve got nothing left. We can’t buy tickets, the overpriced merchandise shop has pulled its shutters down, and we can’t even transfer Romelu Lukaku to make a bit of money.

“And it’s all because of that evil deceitful bastard with blood on his hands. Quite what Putin was thinking when he bought steel from him to make Russian tanks I’ll never know. It doesn’t reflect well on the Kremlin.”

Pensioner Martin Bishop said: “All we’re asking is that other teams look into their hearts and make some room for us. We’ll wear your shirts, sing your chants, anything you want. Deep down we’re not so different from one another. We’re just football fans trying to express our love for the game.”

Arsenal supporter Wayne Hayes said: “Sorry, we’re full. F**k off.”