Sanctions are unfair but us buying any player we wanted wasn't: A Chelsea fan explains

THE sanctions on my beloved Chelsea FC are deeply unfair and an abuse of process. Spending hundreds of millions on the best players for 20 years is different. Here’s how:

We deserved it

Our critics know nothing about football history, but Chelsea had a rough time before Roman. No more than a few FA Cups and the lesser European Cups in 10 years before he bought us and we achieved our title destiny. It’s a classic underdog story. Sending us back down? Vicious. There’s no classic overdog story, is there?

You can’t buy success

Look at Paris Saint-Germain. Spending millions and winning f**k all except frog titles that don’t matter. We didn’t win because we spent £121m on players in the first season after Roman, £92m the next and a billion and a half total since he arrived. We won because we’re Chelsea and Chelsea are winners. Anyone who says otherwise is jealous.

He really supports the club

Abramovich wasn’t some mercenary. He really loves the club and the cover it provided for subverting British democracy. Cut him and he’d bleed blue-and-white before having you killed. Sure, he’s an associate of a warlord threatening a nuclear holocaust, but is it ever right to punish a man for loving his team?

It’s the anti-Chelsea agenda

If they’re honest with themselves, every football fan knows about the anti-Chelsea agenda in the FA, the media and world geopolitics. They’re always looking to bring Chelsea down. It wouldn’t surprise me if they kicked off this war just to have an excuse. That’s how much they hate us.

Other clubs are doing it

Qatar own PSG, Abu Dhabi owns City, the Saudis own Newcastle, Delia Smith owns Norwich. None of their hands are clean. If those blood-soaked genocidal bastards – you think she made that money from cookbooks? Dream on – are fine, why not poor Roman? He never pulls the trigger himself. He’s got a strong ethical line about that.

We’re a great bunch of guys

Ask any football fan: Chelsea supporters are really solid dudes. We’ll always give you a bump of our coke and we leave business cards on anyone we kick the shit out of so they don’t wake up all confused. You wouldn’t want to see us suffer, right? Right?

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Casual Friday, and other shit ways your work tries raise morale instead of paying you more

IS your dreary office always looking to raise staff’s spirits? Here’s the bullshit they come up with instead of just giving everyone a raise.

Table tennis

It’s exactly what every financially-stretched working person wants – the opportunity to lose at table-tennis to Carl from IT support. Just remember that if you spend any of your actual working day playing, rather than breaks and lunchtime, you’ll get a verbal warning.

Casual Friday

Worried about making ends meet with rocketing inflation? Don’t fret, because your generous employer has said you don’t have to wear a tie on Fridays – unless you have meetings with anyone outside the company, in which case you absolutely still have to wear a tie on Fridays. The most tragic thing is that your colleagues think casual Friday is really rebellious, the squares.

Pet day

What could be better for morale than various slobbering dogs wandering around eating stationery and trying to hump your satchel? Nothing’s going to help you focus on work more than returning to your desk after lunch to find a labrador has taken a massive shit under your chair.

Doughnut day

Never mind the egregious bonuses that the senior executives got, because from now on there’ll be some doughnuts every second Tuesday. However your cheap bastard of a boss has only splashed out on half a doughnut per person, so there’ll be  a mini-riot to secure a whole cheap sugary bun all for yourself.

Yoga sessions

Stressed about the loan on your car and your mortgage payments? Thankfully, your benevolent capitalist overlord has arranged for a white man with dreadlocks to turn up every Monday to make you do yoga in a conference room beside Janice from sales whose IBS is acting up. What do you mean, your morale isn’t sky-high now?