YOU might be surprised by this, but I love ‘gammons’. These plucky puce-faced patriots are everything that makes Britain great. Here’s why they need not fear voting Labour.
I bloody love NATO
Gammons love the idea of Britain being hard and threatening military action, and, coincidentally, so do I. That’s why I keep banging on about NATO like a man obsessed. I’d like to see Challenger 2s driving over piles of dead Russians shredded by our cluster bombs. But of course we should try non-military action like renaming chicken Kievs first.
I’d definitely fire a nuclear missile
Rest assured I wouldn’t hesitate for a second when it comes to pushing the Trident button and vaporising a few million people, honest. If one of our focus groups says this is the right sort of thing to say to gammons, let’s nuke the bastards till they glow.
I will hunt Corbyn down like a dog (metaphorically speaking)
You wise gammons hated Jeremy Corbyn and were right to do so. Despite him not being leader for years we will not rest until this powerless backbencher is booted out of the party. He should move to a Siberian labour camp if he likes Russia so much.
Let’s shoot first and ask questions second
Actually Angela Rayner said this, but I agree we should terminate with extreme prejudice anyone who looks slightly like a terrorist. No harm could ever come of a sensible policy like this.
I haven’t forgotten about dole scroungers
Ukraine hasn’t distracted me from scroungers. Labour is the party of working people, not ‘having a lie-in being a parasite’ people. Luckily Labour actually was a workers’ movement, so I don’t sound too evil saying this. For starters I’d replace benefits claimants’ massive TVs with those annoying little 1980s portable ones with a four-inch black-and-white screen.
We need to be tough on Putin
Not soft, tough. Not weak, strong. Not Duncan Norvelle, Andy McNab. I think you get the picture. I’d send Putin a clear message, maybe ‘I’ve come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubblegum’. That should do it.
I love my country and its flag
I won’t labour this point as I’ve already said it about four billion times. But let’s just say no one’s allowed in my house without at least one item of Union Jack clothing and a donation to the Parachute Regiment.
We agree with the Tories about everything
I pledge we will not reverse Brexit no matter how pointless it is. And we’re not going to change your favourite policy, persecuting immigrants. To this end we’ve formally invited Priti Patel to join Labour, which will be renamed the Gammon Send ‘Em Back Party, although even Angela says that’s going too far.