Guardian readers order 500 tons of microwaved African toilet-charcoal

GUARDIAN readers are looking forward to fuelling their ironic barbecues with the microwaved faeces of a Third World village.

As Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates unveiled a toilet that heats raw stools until they become charcoal briquettes, North Londoners of excellent character have ordered a boat load of African fecal blocks in time for next summer.

Helen Archer, a Camdenite, said: “I hope it comes with a photo of the ‘provider’ and a quarterly update of how they are doing at school.”

She added: “It would be morally depraved to use Third World charcoal to cook something that the charcoal providers themselves could not afford to eat.

“So we’ll be sticking with aubergines. And a nice, ripe fig.”

Meanwhile, Daily Telegraph readers are also keen to try the African toilet charcoal, but intend to cook big, thick steaks which they will devour, expel, turn into charcoal and then send back to the village that produced the original charcoal with a note saying ‘beat that’.

But, as fevered Channel Four executives began sketching out the format of Jamie Oliver’s African Dung Barbecue, Africans stressed that while the microwave toilet was a ‘lovely thought’ they would still prefer the cash equivalent.

Mkosa Yuamba, from Angola, said: “I’m not hellish keen on cooking my next meal with the digested remains of my last. I do sometimes think that you lot have way too much time on your hands.

“That said, if some Islington architect wants to make himself feel better by grilling sardines over my carbonised dumpings then I’m not going to be the party-pooper.

“Oh, so I’m not allowed to have a sense of humour about it? Fuck you.”

Tom Logan, from Hatfield added: “So Bill Gates is recycling shite. Plus ca change…”

 

 

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Samsung tops list of baby names

A STUDY of baby names has highlighted the trend for naming children after popular brands.

Samsung is currently the most popular name for a boy or a girl, closely followed by Nescafe, Adidas and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The fashion for celebrity-inspired names has subsided, parents want something that is more original but can still be gotten from a magazine with minimal effort.

“Also brand names are mostly non-gender specific, and can be written as words or a logo, which is handy if you aren’t great at spelling.”

Emma Bradford named her son Durex after the condom that split on the night he was conceived.

She said: “It sounds trendy and space-age, like a martian prince. Also it will serve him as a reminder that no contraception is 100% reliable.

“If he decides he doesn’t like Durex, he can always use his middle name, Beats By Dre.”

Professor Brubaker predicts that the desire for original baby names will eventually lead parents to abandon conventional language.

He said: “We’ll see more kids called things like Xythltx794, or even just being nameless but identified by a specific item that they have to carry about with them, for example a 70s swivel chair.”