Haha, the thumbs-up emoji and other texts people send when they don't fancy you back

A TEXT reply from your crush should show barely-concealed longing and lust. So why are yours bland placeholder messages? Here’s what people text back when they’re just not feeling it.


You spent two hours on that jokey anecdote, crafting it from its beginnings in reality and adding false but believable details hinting at your large bank balance, kindness to children and animals, and highly attractive genitalia. And what do you get back? ‘Haha’. It’s ringing in your ears like mocking laughter, which is odd for a text message.

The thumbs-up emoji

Far from being a sign of positivity, this is in fact a conversation ender. And, therefore, a future relationship ender. Although it means the sender may actually give the thumbs-up in real life, and you don’t want to date a bellend who acts like the Fonz.

I’ll check my diary and get back to you

You’ve suggested going to a Japanese horror movie marathon based on knowing their interests from some perfectly normal 3am Instagram stalking. However, they have to ‘check their diary’. You have apparently found the only person still using a Filofax in the year 2024, and it’s worse because they’d rather not do an activity they’d definitely enjoy than do it with you. Jesus, you must be a nightmare.

I’m really busy right now

Yes, busy shagging someone else.

Any posts on social media

They’re too busy to text you back, but they’ve done a 22-tweet thread ranking Doctor Who assistants in the order in which they’d sleep with them. Get back on Tinder and save yourself the heartbreak, because you are irrelevant to them, unlike Clara f**king Oswald.

Abrupt cessation of texts

After a short exchange of texts, which you took to mean you were getting along brilliantly and would soon be having passionate sex and planning your wedding, they suddenly stop. You feel sick, betrayed, used. But you were only swapping semi-amusing texts about how shit work is so you can’t confront the heartless swine toying with your emotions like the evil sadist they are.

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A white home counties roadman gets a Valentine's card from peng gyal

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has received a hanonymous Valentine’s card from a secret gyal admirer.

Wagwan? Man is bare gassed. Superswag Active J scored a peng Valentine’s Day card on him’s desk in history today, innit.

Man ‘ad no hidea who left da card, but dickhead Drilla went round mandem’s crew sayin’ it woz from Miss Jackson. It wasn’t, coz on da henvelope it ‘ad ‘Active J’, an’ Miss Jackson calls man ‘Joshua’, innit. Man woz bare vexed, Drilla woz dead at break.

Da card said in da big red writin’ ‘Be my Valentine ‘n’ ting’ wiv hearts on it, an’ inside it said ‘Man is peng’ an’ ‘U is da 1 4 me, innit’. Man knew it woz a hexpensive card coz da teddy bear on da front woz flexin’ Air Max 95s an’ North Face drip.

Den at da break time, man goes on da hastroturf for him’s vape an’ to give wasteman Drilla a bare poundin’, an’ Lady G comes up to man an’ sez it woz her’s dat left da card. Man woz gassed, bruv.

Den Lady G gets bare closer to man’s face, innit, an’ sez him’s breath is rank. Man said her’s woz too, coz it stink of stale Monster and Peach Melba vape, den we smiled an’ her’s say Active J is dench, an’ man sez gyal is nang peng, still. Den Lady G bare kissed Active J, full on da lips, innit.

Blud! Man woz so bustin’ gassed wiv swag, man hactually forgot him’s beef ting wiv deadman Drilla. An’ one of Lady G’s gyaldem filmed da kiss. So now we is more than friends, we is lipsing on TikTok. Nang, innit.