Hancock admits track and trace app was developed for Nokia 3310

THE health secretary has admitted that the government’s ‘world beating’ track and trace app failed because it was developed for a 20-year-old phone.

Matt Hancock said the NHS may have to switch to an alternative designed by modern tech experts instead of one that gave users the opportunity to reach level 73 of Snake.

Hancock said: “Unfortunately the Nokia 3310 has proved unable to cope with a complex app designed to stop the spread of coronavirus, despite being a design classic with a stopwatch and calculator.

“We were warned that our approach would fail, but we chose to plough on away, mainly because Dom wanted one of his dodgy mates to get the millions of pounds spent on developing it.

“However, it turns out that even though he claims to be some kind of superforecasting wizard, he failed to see this incredibly predictable turn of events coming.

“Other track and trace methods we are testing include shouting ‘Have you got coronavirus?’ at oncoming pedestrians through a loudhailer and making a telephone out of cups tied together with string.”

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'Level 3: Go out and buy shit' and the rest of the government's coronavirus alert levels

The alert level has just been downgraded from four to three, which means ‘Time for you workshy layabouts to earn money for us’. What are the other levels?

Level 5: Stay at home because we’ll look bad if you all die

During level 5,  there is a ‘material risk of the government looking utterly incompetent’. Strict social distancing is in place so they can backtrack on their original plan of sacrificing the weakest members of society.

Level 4: Please can some people go out because our rich pals are getting edgy

Level 4 means there is a high risk of infection, but a higher risk of rich Tory donors losing money due to the economy being shut down. The government asks that anyone who can keep the cogs of capitalism turning bloody well should.

Level 3: Go out and buy shit you don’t need

The UK is now at Level 3, which means the virus is still in general circulation but why not risk standing in a big crowd waiting for Nike Town to open? At least you’ll spend some money before getting ill.

Level 2: Fine, you can hug your mum if you must

When we reach Level 2, social distancing will have relaxed enough for people to be able to hug their friends and family for the first time in months. It’s nice, but nowhere near as important as being allowed to go to Primark.

Level 1: Let’s all pretend this never happened

Level 1 means Covid-19 is no longer present in the UK and we can all pretend that the UK didn’t balls up its response. Anyway, the pubs are open again so who gives a shit.