Hawking baffled by electricity bill

LEADING physicist Stephen Hawking cannot understand the tariffs charged by his electricity supplier.

The world-renowned scientist began attempting to decode his electricity bill some months ago, but has now admitted defeat after it proved more far complicated than his work on gravitational singularities.

Hawking said: “The bill appears to be based on arbitrary calculations in which the value of electricity varies for no apparent reason.

“If this were how the laws of physics operated, we would live in a world where objects randomly floated away, disappeared completely, or suddenly became ginormous.

“What is the Standard Premium Economy Rate? And how can it co-exist with the Economy Standard Saver Rate, which appears to be the same but also different?

“The only constant is that utility bills increase tremendously over time, and that some spotty little sales bastard always knocks on my door just when I’m about to have my tea.

“Overall, the complete absence of logic makes it an insoluble problem. This is not a phrase I’ve used before, but it has done my head in.”

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Moon-gnomes defend Steiner free schools

TINY elemental beings known as ‘moon-gnomes’ have defended the opening of state-funded Steiner free schools.

Moon-gnome Stephen Malley is one of the magical elemental beings that philosopher Ruldolph Steiner correctly identified as being responsible for the Earth’s ecology.

Seated on a toadstool and thoughtfully stroking his lustrous gnome beard, Malley said: “Steiner’s contribution to the understanding of gnomes, undines and other types of nature spirit cannot be overestimated.

“Without his work we would probably still be living in a non-magical stone age, where things were explained via science rather than sorcery.

“His stuff on race is really good too, especially the stuff about how someone’s skin colour corresponds to how spiritually advanced they are.

“That’s one of those great ideas that seems obvious in retrospect.”

Parent Nikki Hollis said: “Steiner free schools are a waste of taxpayers’ money, catering to the fantasies of massively neurotic middle-class people who dress in weird homespun clothes that the Clangers might wear.

“I want my kids to learn about real, worthwhile stuff that’s grounded in logic and reason. Like how a virgin had a magic baby in a stable, and some men arrived with presents after following a UFO.”