Hawking calculates non-existence of heaven

PROFESSOR Stephen Hawking has calculated that heaven does not exist.

The eminent physicist applied Einstein’s theory of mass-energy equivalence to his own theory of black holes to demonstrate that there is no heaven or afterlife, even in a multi-dimensional alternate universe where heaven could exist if it really wanted to.

He said: “If the total internal energy of a body at rest is equal to the product of its rest mass then the Archbishop of Canterbury is full of piss.

“In addition, mass-energy equivalence and quantum gravitational theory both fundamentally exclude the possibility of that Robin Williams film where they all die horribly and end up living forever in one of his wife’s pathetically derivative paintings.

“I am cleverer than you and all your stupid bloody friends put together and even I have no idea how that piece of shit got made.”

He added: “Also, if heaven did exist then we would be able to see it with a really big telescope.

“If one day a massive telescope discovers an eternal afterlife theme park in some hitherto unexamined corner of the known multiverse then I will happily eat my chair.”

It is hoped Professor Hawking’s calculations will now bring the debate over the existence of heaven to a close.

But Tom Logan, a heating engineer from Stevenage, said: “I do not disagree with the conclusion, but I’m pretty sure I know as much about this as he does and no-one gave a tuppenny fuck when I said it last week.”


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High street inquiry takes about four seconds

AN inquiry into why Britain’s high streets are in decline has been launched and published in the time it took to read this sentence.

Shopping expert Mary Portas was this morning asked by the prime minister David Cameron to investigate why Britain’s High Streets were becoming ghost towns and immediately replied ‘supermarkets, parking, and rubbish shops’.

She then looked at the prime minister as if to say ‘am I supposed to keep talking?’.

While she was saying ‘supermarkets, parking and rubbish shops’ Portas also composed a text message containing the same five words which she will send to the media and any member of the public who wants a permament copy.

But the report has been condemned by MPs, sociologists, economists and the British Chamber of Commerce who all wanted to find clever, complicated ways of saying ‘supermarkets, parking, and rubbish shops’.

Economist Julian Cook said: “I wanted to say it on Channel Four News. Boo.”

And sociologist Dr Helen Archer stressed that ‘supermarkets, parking, and rubbish shops’ did not even begin address the wide range of potential solutions.

But Portas immediately replied: “Fewer supermarkets, more parking and better shops.”

The Portas Inquiry is the latest in a series of high profile initiatives from Downing Street, including Kirtsy Allsop’s quest to discover how cushions are made and a research project by Rick Stein to find out why no-one eats mashed, raw frog.