PROFESSOR Stephen Hawking has calculated that heaven does not exist.
The eminent physicist applied Einstein’s theory of mass-energy equivalence to his own theory of black holes to demonstrate that there is no heaven or afterlife, even in a multi-dimensional alternate universe where heaven could exist if it really wanted to.
He said: “If the total internal energy of a body at rest is equal to the product of its rest mass then the Archbishop of Canterbury is full of piss.
“In addition, mass-energy equivalence and quantum gravitational theory both fundamentally exclude the possibility of that Robin Williams film where they all die horribly and end up living forever in one of his wife’s pathetically derivative paintings.
“I am cleverer than you and all your stupid bloody friends put together and even I have no idea how that piece of shit got made.”
He added: “Also, if heaven did exist then we would be able to see it with a really big telescope.
“If one day a massive telescope discovers an eternal afterlife theme park in some hitherto unexamined corner of the known multiverse then I will happily eat my chair.”
It is hoped Professor Hawking’s calculations will now bring the debate over the existence of heaven to a close.
But Tom Logan, a heating engineer from Stevenage, said: “I do not disagree with the conclusion, but I’m pretty sure I know as much about this as he does and no-one gave a tuppenny fuck when I said it last week.”