Homeworker wakes up two hours early to switch on bastard laptop

A HOMEWORKER is to get up at 6am to switch on her fucking laptop so it will be ready to use by about half-eight.

Sarah McCallum confirmed this would be a more proactive use of her time instead of waking up at 8am and remembering that her laptop – like all the laptops she has ever owned – is a piece of shit.

She said: “As long as I can wake up at six, press the button which causes the laptop to make a loud, dramatic chime and just get the whole, tortuous fucking process under way, then I can go back to bed for a bit.

“Then when I finally get up, have a shower, get dressed and have some breakfast it will still be updating some fucking thing or another, but it will actually be doing something.

“Then I can quickly check my inbox and read the news before I have to reboot the fucker and the whole process begins again.

“Once it has restarted I’ll look for a job that involves working outdoors with my hands, instead of being hunched over this useless bastard, sending emails about marketing to some twats.”