Non-football fans emerge from underground bunkers

PEOPLE who are not interested in football have emerged from their underground shelters.

Millions of non-football fans have left their network of subterranean shelters, blinking at the light as they asked themselves if it could really be over.

Ball-based sport avoider Susan Traherne said: “After a month underground living on Pot Noodles, the sun seems almost painfully bright.

“There’s still lots of football-based advertising, like the big picture of those young men in their England uniforms proclaiming Lidl to be somehow their official supermarket. But it looks tired and forlorn, like some relic of the ancient Romans.

“I can hear birds and even see some humans going about their normal business. It appears the nightmare is over – for now.

“Oh God, what about the tennis? Please tell me that’s finished too.”

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Shop assistant asking if you 'need any help' definitely thinks you're going to nick something

SHOP assistants asking if you ‘need any help’ definitely suspect you of shoplifting, it has been revealed.

Nikki Hollis was recently offered ‘help’ while browsing a high-end boutique. She said: “I was buying a birthday present for my sister when the assistant approached me. I was really surprised because I was just in jeans and trainers and I would have thought they’d be more attentive to posher-looking customers.

“There was a really fancy woman looking at skirts, but they ignored her while being incredibly attentive to me. I must have misjudged the staff as snobbish types who would look down on ordinary people.

“It was great timing because I actually had no idea what I could get my sister for under £50.”

Shop assistant Emma Bradford said: “I ended up helping her find an inexpensive Swarovski necklace. It just meant I could keep a proper eye on her until she left the shop.”