Trump nervously gives Putin list of people he'd like killed

PRESIDENT Trump has nervously given Putin a handwritten list of all the people he would like to have killed.

The US leader was meant to wait until the end of the Helsinki summit to hand the note, written in crayon on an unlined yellow Post-It, to the Russian leader but was too impatient.

He said: “First Hillary, which you know about, okay? I know you know that one but I thought you might have forgotten and I wanted to make sure.

“Second this guy Mueller who’s investigating us, like you and me, which is ridiculous. It’s the most ridiculous. That’s why he’s underlined. I underlined in red.

“That one’s Obama, you can’t tell because I crossed it out and wrote it again. Maybe I spelled it wrong the first time, it’s a crazy name. Not American.

“And underneath I’ve put the EU. Not everyone, just as many as you can manage. I don’t know which ones you like but all the bad ones. They’re problem guys. I’m a solutions guy. If that’s not too many?”

Putin replied: “Some of these okay. But really, come on. By now we should be at the stage of you handling at least half of these yourself.”

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Badly-planned Tour de France route full of hills

SHOCKED Tour de France competitors have discovered that poor planning has led to a very mountainous route.

After a promising start to the trip, entrants have begun to complain that their enjoyment of the Tour has been spoiled by periods of intense uphill cycling.

Chris Froome said: “I don’t feel like I’m getting to experience the real France at all on this so-called Tour de France.

“Sadly the organisers have plotted a route that goes right through some of the hilliest parts of the country when there are much quicker flat roads.
 I was hoping maybe we could stop off at a vineyard or have a luxurious lunch at an authentic local brasserie, but we’re just on our bikes all day.

“I spent six months doing night courses in French and have barely been able to speak a word because I pass every French person I meet at 30 mph. I’ve barely even got to practice the subjunctive.”

Organiser Jean-Pierre LaFarge said: “We aim to pit man against nature and to push these supreme athletes to the very threshold of human endurance, but in retrospect maybe we should have at least had a cheese tasting on day two.”