Nobody on Tinder into getting shitfaced and eating crisps in front of telly

EVERYONE on Tinder is into hiking and surfing and nobody is into getting smashed and chomping Pringles while watching crap, users skeptically report. 

Despite the ongoing popularity of knocking back booze while slumped in front of the idiot’s lantern, apparently all the single people in the UK prefer aspirational sports and impressively intellectual pursuits.

Donna Sheridan, aged 29, said: “Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has been super into doing fuck-all. But evidently those great catches are off the market.

“Instead they’re all superhumans into home cooking, rock-climbing and even wakeboarding, whatever the fuck that is.

“That’s no use to me. I just veg on the sofa every night eating Frazzles and watching home makeover shows. I’ll die alone rather than share my starter with some Crossfit bro.

“Where are all the real guys whose plan for Saturday night is three bottles of wine, a family bag of Doritos and maybe incredibly lazy lights-out sex?”

Sheridan closed the dating app in frustration that nobody was swiping right on her profile, which lists her interests as ‘adventurous travel, wild nights out and offroad quad-biking’.