Nobody on Tinder into getting shitfaced and eating crisps in front of telly

EVERYONE on Tinder is into hiking and surfing and nobody is into getting smashed and chomping Pringles while watching crap, users skeptically report. 

Despite the ongoing popularity of knocking back booze while slumped in front of the idiot’s lantern, apparently all the single people in the UK prefer aspirational sports and impressively intellectual pursuits.

Donna Sheridan, aged 29, said: “Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has been super into doing fuck-all. But evidently those great catches are off the market.

“Instead they’re all superhumans into home cooking, rock-climbing and even wakeboarding, whatever the fuck that is.

“That’s no use to me. I just veg on the sofa every night eating Frazzles and watching home makeover shows. I’ll die alone rather than share my starter with some Crossfit bro.

“Where are all the real guys whose plan for Saturday night is three bottles of wine, a family bag of Doritos and maybe incredibly lazy lights-out sex?”

Sheridan closed the dating app in frustration that nobody was swiping right on her profile, which lists her interests as ‘adventurous travel, wild nights out and offroad quad-biking’.

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Whole carriage overjoyed as man running for train narrowly misses it

PASSENGERS on a train are rejoicing after a man desperately running to catch it failed to do so. 

Commuter Emma Bradford confirmed that the whole carriage was ‘buzzing’ as the man, laden with bags, sprinted frantically for the closing doors and even ran alongside the moving train for a few moments before collapsing in defeat.

She continued: “The moment when he thought he’d made it and was hammering the button before it began to move off was my highlight, though I know some people got more from the initial wild dash.”

Nurse Susan Traherne agreed: “I’d just finished an 18-hour shift and was dead on my feet, but watching the despair dawn in his darting eyes really put a spring in my step.

“We were all craning our necks to watch him as we sped away and everyone was talking about it even when we left the train, laughing like it was Christmas morning. I hope he missed a plane.”

Train driver Norman Steele said: “Absolutely joyous. Best part of the job.”